Latest Scientific Study Shows Correlation Between Full Moon and Full Yoga Classes

Full Moon-Yoga-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – Four Post-doctoral researchers in the faculty of astronomy and astrophysics at the University of Toronto have just published a scientific paper that links the influence of a full moon to yoga class attendance. Its bottom line: a full moon equals a full-to-overflowing yoga class. The paper has raised eyebrows in astronomy circles around the world and is not without its detractors.

“What bunkum!”, said Carl Poindexter, Ph.D. a professor of astronomy at the University of Chicago. “It’s right up there with UFOlogogy.” Doctor Poindexter is the author of what has been said to be the definitive study on how a full moon affects milk production volume on dairy farms. He said the U of T study was “badly flawed” because the researchers didn’t take the effects of a supermoon into consideration.

Alfred N. Carnegie, who headed up the U of T research, suggested that “professional jealousy” might be behind the criticism, and said that he stands behind his team’s results “one-hundred-and-five percent.” “It’s typical academic back-biting,” he said of Professor Poindexter’s comments. “He can’t stand to think that we may have crossed a frontier in moon science before he got there.”

Reached for a rebuttal, Doctor Poindexter was succinct. “Until they can produce a litmus test, they can all smooch my nalga,” he said, and hung up the phone.

But science skeptics notwithstanding, the U of T research on the full moon effect has gained a popular following.

Rhonda Miklewaite is a yoga instructor and the proprietor of Yoga and You, a studio in the West Edmonton Mall. She waved a copy of the Toronto team’s research results in the air as she told FauxNews Today that she is not surprised at how their study turned out because she has to turn people away at the studio door on days when there is a full moon.

“Nobody can tell me that correlation is not causation,” she said. “I’ve known it all along, but now I’ve got the proof right here.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: Port Macquarie News , Groupon

Year-end Report: Increased Murder Rate in Toronto Linked to Jell-O Shortage in Siberia

Toronto-Murder Rate-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – As another year comes to an end and bureaucracies rush to prepare their annual reports, statisticians, police officers and nutritionists in Toronto are struggling to come up with an explanation as to why the city’s 2017 murder rate coincides almost exactly with data from 1987 that shows a shortage of Jell-O in Siberia.

“Maybe Sherlock Holmes could solve it, but so far we haven’t found any clues,” said Detective Anthony Pavelin of the city’s guns, gangs and fancy desserts task force, before he booked off sick with a headache.

“The 1987 date is interesting because this graph matches up with the Jell-O numbers from exactly thirty years ago,” said Jeremy Winstalter, a data analyst who works for the bureau of statistics. It’s the curse of the Internet, There’s just too much information floating around out there in the ether. So we think that maybe the 87 data slid in through a time warp and corrupted the file, or something.”

“I didn’t even know that they had Jell-O in Siberia,” said Helen Armbruster, a nutritionist and occasional cooking show host on CBC’s “Reach for the Pudding” that airs on Tuesday afternoons. “Of course, there was a shortage, so they didn’t actually have any there, did they? That was the point of the graph. I had a guest on the show last week who murdered a crème brûlée, but that’s probably not it. Oh, you’d best go bother someone else with your silly questions.”

To confuse matters further, the 2017 year-end data showed the murders graphed in Toronto were connected together in what the police department called clusters. But the Siberian Jell-O shortage graph from 1987 was a graceful upward parabola. However when the two charts were overlaid, the twelve-month curves matched almost exactly.

“That’s what made my head hurt,” said Detective Pavelin. But before he left for the day, he offered a possible explanation for the mystery that is befuddling the bureaucracy.

“Sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence,” he said.  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: About Toronto , Kraft , fotolia