Early-Harvest Zucchini Found To Be A Cure For Male Pattern Baldness

Zucchini Cures Baldness-FNT-small.pngMONTREAL – Researchers at McGill University have released the results of a double-blind study involving the treatment of androgenetic alopecia, the condition commonly known as male pattern baldness. The answer to curing the disorder completely, the research shows, is eating a double helping of early-harvest zucchini at every meal, including breakfast.

“It even works faster if you also put some in a blender and rub the slurry on your head every couple of days,” said Rob Ernewine, the McGill research scientist who headed up the study.

The research study, named Project Billiard Ball, involved twelve hundred male volunteers, men between the ages of nineteen and seventy-nine, who showed symptoms of severe androgenetic alopecia. Half of them were put on a steady diet of zucchini as the principal vegetable supplement to every meal. The other six-hundred were fed a vegetable substitute that looked and tasted like zucchini, but was really a soy-based imitation.

Neither the subjects of the study nor the researchers knew which men received the helpings of bona fide zucchini and which ones ate the ersatz vegetable three times a day. The research was conducted over a period of twelve months, which, Ernewine said, was a major challenge. In order to be effective, the vegetables had to be eaten by the subjects within thirty-six hours of being picked from the field, in order to be effective.

“Do you know how hard it is to find early-growth zucchini in Montreal, in February? Don’t try and answer that,” he said. “Just imagine it. Our FedEx bills were astronomical.”

But in spite of all the logistic hurdles, he explained, the results of the study proved the efficacy of the zucchini as a cure for baldness, “without a doubt”. “When we factored out the placebo effect, more than eighty percent of the men who ate the zucchini had strong hair follicle re-growth within one month.”

Another member of the McGill project team, Joseph Kinsella, confirmed the double-blind protocol, which was put in place to prevent bias. “It was like the blind leading the blind,” he said. “Sorry, that’s a research joke.”

Kinsella explained that the easiest phase of the study was working around the daily meal schedules of the twelve-hundred volunteers. They were, he said, “amazingly flexible.” And the drop-out rate was negligible. He put it down to motivation.

“I think it’s safe to say that this was a very, very motivated group,” he said. “Can you imagine what a chocolate milkshake tastes like when it’s infused with zucchini?” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at Dr. Batra’s

Cancelled Energy East Oil Pipeline Inventory Converted to Electrical Conduit

Keystone-Pipes-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Canada’s National Energy Board has unveiled a new plan to use up the fifteen-hundred kilometres of new pipe originally slated for the country’s recently cancelled East Energy oil pipeline. Electricity, rather than oil, will now flow through the pipes, to power the next generation of electric vehicles.

“Hey, energy is energy. We won’t let those pipes go to waste,” said Regan Donahue, a NRB spokesperson, at a government press conference on Thursday.

Donahue was adamant that the cancelled oil pipline should be looked at as an opportunity, rather than a failure. He briefly outlined the government’s plan to install a series of electric vehicle charging stations along the existing pipeline route for the previously-proposed project to move crude oil from western Canada to eastern refineries.

“It also opens the door for a huge export market for us,” he said. “And there’s the green thing as well. Electricity is a lot less messy than oil.”

The government has projected the total cost of the futuristic electric vehicle infrastructure project at $69 billion over a twenty year period. Donahue said it would have cost more, however much of the groundwork had been laid with the original oil pipeline plan, and many of the regulatory and environmental concerns have been put to rest.

“People aren’t scared of electricity leaks,” Donahue said.

Also, Canadian taxpayers apparently won’t be on the hook for all the costs.

“It’s going to be funded through a public and private sector international partnership,” he explained. Both China and Russia have shown an interest in investing in the project.”

Donahue appeared slightly uncertain when he was asked to elaborate on the export opportunities that would open up as a result of installing the new electric vehicle support infrastructure from west to east.

“The charging stations will supply electricity for the cars of the future,” he said. “But we’ll be exporting it to other countries for their electric cars as well. The electric line ends at the east coast ocean ports, so we’ll be able load it right on to the ships for export.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at CBC, Global News, Trans Canada Energy and Tesla