Year-end Report: Increased Murder Rate in Toronto Linked to Jell-O Shortage in Siberia

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Toronto-Murder Rate-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – As another year comes to an end and bureaucracies rush to prepare their annual reports, statisticians, police officers and nutritionists in Toronto are struggling to come up with an explanation as to why the city’s 2017 murder rate coincides almost exactly with data from 1987 that shows a shortage of Jell-O in Siberia.

“Maybe Sherlock Holmes could solve it, but so far we haven’t found any clues,” said Detective Anthony Pavelin of the city’s guns, gangs and fancy desserts task force, before he booked off sick with a headache.

“The 1987 date is interesting because this graph matches up with the Jell-O numbers from exactly thirty years ago,” said Jeremy Winstalter, a data analyst who works for the bureau of statistics. It’s the curse of the Internet, There’s just too much information floating around out there in the ether. So we think that maybe the 87 data slid in through a time warp and corrupted the file, or something.”

“I didn’t even know that they had Jell-O in Siberia,” said Helen Armbruster, a nutritionist and occasional cooking show host on CBC’s “Reach for the Pudding” that airs on Tuesday afternoons. “Of course, there was a shortage, so they didn’t actually have any there, did they? That was the point of the graph. I had a guest on the show last week who murdered a crème brûlée, but that’s probably not it. Oh, you’d best go bother someone else with your silly questions.”

To confuse matters further, the 2017 year-end data showed the murders graphed in Toronto were connected together in what the police department called clusters. But the Siberian Jell-O shortage graph from 1987 was a graceful upward parabola. However when the two charts were overlaid, the twelve-month curves matched almost exactly.

“That’s what made my head hurt,” said Detective Pavelin. But before he left for the day, he offered a possible explanation for the mystery that is befuddling the bureaucracy.

“Sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence,” he said.  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: About Toronto , Kraft , fotolia

Report: Scientists Find That Australian Megabat Flying-foxes Are Main Cause of Climate Change

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Australian Bats-Climate Cng-FNT-Small.pngQUEENSLAND – A remarkable new climate change study by a group of scientists who were originally studying chaos theory has concluded that the Australian Flying-fox, a megabat that is sometimes seen as a ‘menace to society’ in its native habitat, is largely responsible for causing the huge variations in climatic conditions that have been happening around the world.

“I know that flies in the face (pun not intended) of the prevailing wisdom about climate change,” explained Rodney Overclause, Ph.D, who headed up the controversial research project involving the megabats. “But if you understand chaos theory, and look at it from that perspective, it’s the only logical explanation.”

A simplified description of chaos theory uses an example of the “butterfly effect”, basically that tiny changes introduced into a dynamic system will ultimately cause huge changes to happen down the road. An example might be: a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan can introduce enough change in a weather system to cause a wind-driven tsunami on the coast of California.

The study and report have raised the hackles of climate scientists around the world, with it being called in various quarters such names as: “egregious psudeoscience”, “climate heresy” and “pure poppycock”. The chaos theory scientists however are quick to defend the results of their research.

“I mean, just put two and two together,” said Doctor Ian Roganski, another of the researchers on the team’s controversial megabat climate change project. “If you consider what damage a butterfly can do, think about this. Flying-foxes are the largest bats in Australia. They weigh a couple of pounds each and have three-foot wingspans, for Pete’s sake. And they nest in great big colonies.”

His colleague jumped in to further add to the debate that, at the time of publication, is still raging.

“So can you imagine the effect of a couple of thousand of those big suckers taking off all at once?” Overclause asked. “Why, it just boggles the mind!”  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: Australian Museum , Scientific American