Gatineau Spring Water Feeds Fountain of Youth Via Intracoastal Waterway

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Fountain of Youth-FNT-SmallST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA – Local officials were dismayed today when they received a test report from a federal lab about the water in a nearby park fountain. The test showed that it originated from an artesian spring located in Gatineau, Quebec.

“Oh, Judas Priest!” said Roald Martin, a hydrologic engineer who works for the State of Florida. “Normally water is just water, but not in this case!” He was referring to the park site listed on the National Register of Historic Places where the famed Fountain of Youth was said to have been discovered by Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon in 1513.

“This is a disaster,” said Michael Rodriguez, who heads up the visitors’ centre in St. Johns County. ”Just when tourist season is ramping up. Canadians won’t want to come here now when they find out they can get this same water at home!”

Roger Atwell, who sits on the St. Augustine police commission, had other concerns. “I don’t want to be the one who has to explain this to Homeland Security,” he said. “That water crossed over the U.S. border from Canada without any documentation.”

Pierre Duchesneau, a city official from Wakefield, Quebec, said he didn’t see any reason for alarm on that front. “NAFTA is still very much in place,” he said. “And our water gets a free pass.” He also said the ultra-pure Quebec eau de fonte artésienne probably reached the Florida fountain through the Intracoastal waterway. “If I can prove that,” he said, “We’ll be sending them a bill every month.”

The anomaly showed up when the water in the Florida park fountain was tested in preparation for a bulk sale to a research hydroponic operation. The botanists had planned to use it for a project to grow a prune cultivar without wrinkles.

Chief scientist Arnold Zeffareli of the federal test facility in Washington D.C., was able to shed some light on the method the lab used to prove that the water tested from Florida actually came from Quebec.

“It’s like a DNA test,” he said. “But with water.”          Source: FNT Staff

Saskatchewan Farmer Discovers Source of Phoenix Pay System Computer Glitch

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Phoenix Falling-FNT-125%MOOSE JAW, SASK – Public servants across the country may finally begin to breathe a little easier today after a local farmer discovered the source of a nagging software glitch in the federal government’s troubled Phoenix pay system.

Investigators from Environment Canada removed seven groundhogs and twenty-six Richardson’s ground squirrels that were nesting for the winter in a government complex between Regina and Moose Jaw that houses backup computer servers for Phoenix.

Alvin Chernowski, who farms twelve-hundred acres near Grand Coulee, uncovered the mystery when he dropped a combine axle into what he first believed was a sinkhole, while he was harvesting his barley crop.

“Turns out it was a groundhog hole,” he said. “But a big sucker, nearly four feet across. I didn’t see it because of the tall grain. They were using it to tunnel into the building. It went right under the Trans-Canada Highway. I knew it was serious when the guys in the hazmat suits turned up with cage traps.”

He said he had been aware of some unusual activity in the area during the early growing season, but hadn’t been unduly concerned.

“I didn’t pay much attention to it because I thought it might be related to crop circles,” he explained. “They show up in that field every year now and there isn’t much one can do about that so I’ve stopped worrying about it. And I’ve got a crop circle rider on the insurance.”

At least one government worker believes that Chernowski should be awarded a medal for his discovery.

“To some of us, he’s a hero,” said Jake Peterson, a software engineer seconded from Shared Services Canada who works at the government’s pay centre in Miramichi, New Brunswick. “I mean, I haven’t been paid myself for six months. I had to borrow money from my sister to make my car payment last week.”

Peterson also provided an explanation as to why a computer server for the Miramichi pay centre was located more than three thousand kilometers away, in Saskatchewan.

“Well, it’s on account of global warming,” he said. “They were concerned about possible flooding from the Bay here. When she rises up up, things can get ugly. So they put the backup unit far enough away so it wouldn’t get wet.”

The Deputy Minister currently in charge of the Phoenix pay system could not be reached for comment.  Source: FNT Staff