Tag: Canada

Starbucks Canada To Open First Drive-In Coffee Shops With Drones As Carhops

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Drive-In-FNT-smallOTTAWA – In a move that the company is calling ‘futuristic-retro” the Starbucks Corporation has announced that it will open fifteen-hundred drive-in coffee shops using airborne drones as carhop servers, in selected cities across North America. Starbucks will pioneer the new model in six Canadian cities first, beginning next year.

“Listen, let’s face it, humans are becoming passé,” said Peter Wanhauser, a Starbucks spokesperson, when he was asked why the company would use drones to serve customers rather than employ people to do the job. “The future is technology, and the future is here now.”

Wanhauser also explained, excitedly and without a trace of irony, why Starbucks had paradoxically chosen to incorporate a sixty-five-year-old business model from the nineteen-fifties as part of their expansion plan for the future.

“Our focus group studies have shown that everybody today really, really, really loves the old stuff,” he said. “So we’re staying absolutely 100 percent true to the original concept. We’re just changing it to bring it in line with our own thinking.”

A leaked internal, executive-level corporate e-mail memo also shed light on why the company decided to launch the futuristic-retro initiative in Canada first.

The memo submitted that: “Canadians will basically line up in droves to buy in to any new trendy absurdity without question, embrace it wholeheartedly and tell all their friends about it. As cutting-edge, money-making ideas go, this one’s a slam dunk there.”

Wanhauser would not comment on the memo, but emphatically denied a rumour that Starbucks was planning on also using drones as baristas. Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Starbucks, CSO Online and Frostop Root Beer

New Research Cites Medical Marijuana Successfully Tested As Cure For Warts

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Medical Marijuana-FNT-Small.pngHAMILTON – A team of two medical research professors and a graduate student from McMaster University has published a research paper that concludes that medical marijuana is a sure-fire cure for warts. The paper, however, is not without controversy.

“There’s been a bit of blowback,” admitted Harlan Olrudson, MD-PhD., who led the four-year medical cannabis wart-removal study. “Health Canada has called for an independent peer review on the results and we had a scolding e-mail from a woman in Saskatoon who told us that the only two known methods to get rid of a wart for certain were to rub it with a frog, or sell it to someone else.”

“I wouldn’t worry about the Health Canada thing,” said Nestor Gzennko, the team’s graduate student. Gzennko said he had “burned the midnight oil” for many nights in the lab to generate much of the research data for the project. “HC got a complaint about the paper from those aggies, and they had no choice but to respond.”

Roger Coleson-Lee, MD, who acted as medical research officer for the project, explained that the “aggies” were plant scientists at the University of Guelph, who were also doing research on medical cannabis. Coleson-Lee allowed that there had been a bit of friction between the research groups at the two universities that were only a few miles apart. “But it’s no more than a friendly academic rivalry,” he said.

Gzennko, who was wearing a tee-shirt with large lettering on the front that read: Some weeds are GOOD weeds!, disagreed adamantly about the conflict.

“Those plant nerds were insanely jealous that we tapped into some big-time project funding that they missed, so they lodged a phony complaint,” he shouted. “They need to butt out!”

He also let slip that the McMaster team’s medical cannabis research was funded by Charlie and Mary Jane’s Potato and Pot Emporium, a multinational agri-business that operated a 200,000 square foot greenhouse facility in Aberfoyle, Ontario.

Olrudson was confident that the Health Canada inquiry would come to nothing and that the results of their “budding” cannabis research on treating warts would be fully embraced by the medical community. “Our science,” he said, “is Teflon-coated and bullet-proof.”

“But,” he admitted, “I am a bit worried about that woman’s e-mail from Saskatoon.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Vice News, WebMD