RCMP Change Questions for Asylum Seekers to Fruit And Vegetable Preferences

Asylum Seekers-FNT-smallOTTAWA – In response to an article in the Toronto Star, the RCMP has changed the personal questions on an interview screening-form for people wanting to enter Canada as refugees. They are now screening asylum seekers with questions about their personal preferences in fruits and vegetables.

The change to the screening questionnaire came after the government was accused of singling out Muslims who sought refuge in the country to escape persecution. The previous document trampled all over asylum seekers’ personal space and assaulted their dignity by asking probing but irrelevant questions involving their articles of clothing, cultural customs and religious practices. The information was then stored in a police database.

FauxNews Today reached a data analyst for comment about the new interview questions on the form, at the Mounties’ headquarters in Ottawa. He refused to give his real name, citing “national security”, but agreed to speak anonymously, going by the pseudonym of “Ron.”

“Ron” admitted that he and many of his analyst colleagues were disappointed that they weren’t allowed to ask questions and collect personal information about “hijabs and niqabs” now, but he was adamant that the “new and improved” forms would successfully screen refugee claimants for “inclusiveness and fealty”, pick up on any “moral failings” and above all, “help make Canada a safer place to live”.

“We know that terrorists eat fruits and vegetables,” he said. “And we know that people who like apricots and celery can’t be trusted. So once we get the information from the screening questionnaires entered into our databases, we’ll know exactly who the potential terrorists are, and Canadians will be protected.”

“Ron” wouldn’t say how the security establishment had determined that asylum seekers who liked apricots and celery couldn’t be trusted, claiming that the data they had collected was “highly classified” and “couldn’t be released because of national security.”

He swore that the research was sound, however, and that his credentials included three doctorates, one in psychology, one in plant science and one in Microsoft Excel.

“Trust me,” he said. “I have twenty-one post-nominal letters after my name, so I know what I’m talking about.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: CBC , Yasaroglu Apricot CO. and Top Spot Fruit Mart


Cancelled Energy East Oil Pipeline Inventory Converted to Electrical Conduit

Keystone-Pipes-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Canada’s National Energy Board has unveiled a new plan to use up the fifteen-hundred kilometres of new pipe originally slated for the country’s recently cancelled East Energy oil pipeline. Electricity, rather than oil, will now flow through the pipes, to power the next generation of electric vehicles.

“Hey, energy is energy. We won’t let those pipes go to waste,” said Regan Donahue, a NRB spokesperson, at a government press conference on Thursday.

Donahue was adamant that the cancelled oil pipline should be looked at as an opportunity, rather than a failure. He briefly outlined the government’s plan to install a series of electric vehicle charging stations along the existing pipeline route for the previously-proposed project to move crude oil from western Canada to eastern refineries.

“It also opens the door for a huge export market for us,” he said. “And there’s the green thing as well. Electricity is a lot less messy than oil.”

The government has projected the total cost of the futuristic electric vehicle infrastructure project at $69 billion over a twenty year period. Donahue said it would have cost more, however much of the groundwork had been laid with the original oil pipeline plan, and many of the regulatory and environmental concerns have been put to rest.

“People aren’t scared of electricity leaks,” Donahue said.

Also, Canadian taxpayers apparently won’t be on the hook for all the costs.

“It’s going to be funded through a public and private sector international partnership,” he explained. Both China and Russia have shown an interest in investing in the project.”

Donahue appeared slightly uncertain when he was asked to elaborate on the export opportunities that would open up as a result of installing the new electric vehicle support infrastructure from west to east.

“The charging stations will supply electricity for the cars of the future,” he said. “But we’ll be exporting it to other countries for their electric cars as well. The electric line ends at the east coast ocean ports, so we’ll be able load it right on to the ships for export.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at CBC, Global News, Trans Canada Energy and Tesla