Secret CSIS Program Under Bill C-51 to De-radicalize Canadian Cats, Exposed To Public Scrutiny

Cat & Bird & Mouse-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Civil libertarians and PETA have sounded the alarm that the Canadian cat population is being selectively brainwashed. The brouhaha began after media outlets reported that the animal control division of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) is surreptitiously using its new powers under Bill C-51 to disrupt what the defenders say is normal behaviour for cats.

The publicity-shy spy agency hunkered down into a defensive posture when the news about its controversial practices broke on Friday and raised the ire of pet owners across the country.

“We’ve had to take these steps because of the ongoing violence against Canada’s birds and rodents,” said Oliver Forsythe, who is a feline psychologist and heads up the formerly secret CSIS animal control program. “And we do it by intervening directly with the cats to de-radicalize their behavior.”

This was the first time that CSIS has admitted the use of its new powers under Bill C-51 to disrupt the behavior of Canadian house-pets.

The feline “interventions” according to Forsythe, can take different forms. CSIS disruption powers allow the agency to interfere with feeding habits, naps and visits to the litter-box. If a cat has a Twitter account for the purpose of attracting birds, it may be monitored. A repeat-offender cat may even be catnapped from its owner’s yard and taken to a pound without a warrant.

The provisions of Bill C-51 that allow intrusiveness like this have garnered criticism from the outset. But despite the very vocal public opposition to this law, and despite its promise to do so, the government continues to drag its heels in terms of making any changes to protect feline rights.

“As Canadians we need to ensure that our cats set an example of civilized behaviour for the rest of the world,” Forsythe said. “We are working hard so that Canada becomes a safer place for its small feathered and furry fauna.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Created from images at: Duke University/Scott Winton , Victor

CSIS Officer Leaves Secret Decoder Ring on Sink While Moonlighting Part-time at Tim Hortons

Tim Hortons-CSIS-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Canada’s security intelligence establishment was unwillingly drawn into the public spotlight again on Thursday when a CSIS surveillance officer accidentally left his secret decoder ring on a sink at an Ottawa Tim Hortons restaurant. The potentially serious security breach took place while the officer was moonlighting at the restaurant part-time.

“Well, I’m sorry for the mistake and everything, but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone,” said Timothy ________, (not his real name). “I had to take the Tim Hortons gig because I needed to make my car payment.”  He explained that he hadn’t received any pay from his spy agency job in more than six months because of the federal government’s failed pay system, Phoenix.

This current embarrassment for CSIS comes on the heels of a food scandal at its Ottawa headquarters where an employee threatened to: “…raise the issue with Amnesty International.”

The CSIS secret decoder ring is a highly classified piece of kit; a James Bond-type device that is issued to all CSIS field employees after they qualify to be field employees. It comes with a detailed set of written instructions that self-destruct after they are read, however if an operative forgets how to use it they are available on the Internet.

Officer ________ agreed to go public with his story as a caution to other CSIS colleagues who might find themselves in similar circumstances, because of part-time employment. He said that he doesn’t think that his slip of CSIS protocol at Tim Hortons would cause any harm because the “ring was only off my finger for a couple of minutes while I washed my hands —the food service industry has very strict rules, you know.”

A spokesperson at CSIS headquarters who would not give his name declined to comment for this article on the grounds that whatever he said would compromise national security. Source: FNT Staff


Photo credit: Original images by: Mobilesyrup /Tim Hortons, Toronto Star,