Tag: Toronto

Year-end Report: Increased Murder Rate in Toronto Linked to Jell-O Shortage in Siberia

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Toronto-Murder Rate-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – As another year comes to an end and bureaucracies rush to prepare their annual reports, statisticians, police officers and nutritionists in Toronto are struggling to come up with an explanation as to why the city’s 2017 murder rate coincides almost exactly with data from 1987 that shows a shortage of Jell-O in Siberia.

“Maybe Sherlock Holmes could solve it, but so far we haven’t found any clues,” said Detective Anthony Pavelin of the city’s guns, gangs and fancy desserts task force, before he booked off sick with a headache.

“The 1987 date is interesting because this graph matches up with the Jell-O numbers from exactly thirty years ago,” said Jeremy Winstalter, a data analyst who works for the bureau of statistics. It’s the curse of the Internet, There’s just too much information floating around out there in the ether. So we think that maybe the 87 data slid in through a time warp and corrupted the file, or something.”

“I didn’t even know that they had Jell-O in Siberia,” said Helen Armbruster, a nutritionist and occasional cooking show host on CBC’s “Reach for the Pudding” that airs on Tuesday afternoons. “Of course, there was a shortage, so they didn’t actually have any there, did they? That was the point of the graph. I had a guest on the show last week who murdered a crème brûlée, but that’s probably not it. Oh, you’d best go bother someone else with your silly questions.”

To confuse matters further, the 2017 year-end data showed the murders graphed in Toronto were connected together in what the police department called clusters. But the Siberian Jell-O shortage graph from 1987 was a graceful upward parabola. However when the two charts were overlaid, the twelve-month curves matched almost exactly.

“That’s what made my head hurt,” said Detective Pavelin. But before he left for the day, he offered a possible explanation for the mystery that is befuddling the bureaucracy.

“Sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence,” he said.  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: About Toronto , Kraft , fotolia

Canada Establishes First Remedial University for Faculty Members Accidently Promoted Above Level of Competence

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Remedial University-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – Canada’s Society for Challenged Learners (SFCL) has been granted a charter to establish the country’s first remedial institution of higher education. A spokesperson for SFCL said it was necessary for the organization to snap into action following the “recent disgraceful conduct by university faculty members who blotted their copybooks, big-time.”

With firm-handed guidance from the SFCL, the first Remedial University will open next month, in Toronto. The campus will occupy a restored building on the site of Ontario’s abandoned Oakville gas plant. The first tranche of students to fill the lecture theatre is expected to arrive directly from academic faculty positions at universities from across the country.

FauxNews Today asked SFCL’s current president, Alvin Chakowski, why someone already teaching at a ranking Canadian university would need remedial education.

“Sometimes people just slip through the cracks,” he said.  ”It can happen in any large organization, even in academia. People get promoted into positions they are not intellectually equipped to handle.” He then supplied a hotlink to a detailed explanation of the Peter Principle.

The Remedial U curriculum will focus on learning to disengage from cultural groupthink and dogma, developing an understanding of nuance, and gaining a sense of perspective as to when, exactly, one should use loaded words like “abuse” and “unsafe learning environment.” Entrance exams have been waived as long as applicants have a note from their mothers certifying that they have been toilet trained.

The Oakville campus will also feature several specially constructed architectural ‘corners’ where remedial education staff may send troublemakers to stand and reflect on their delinquencies.

The goal, says Chakowski, is that at the end of a year’s immersion at Remedial U, students will come away with a diploma, and the intellect of an adult. They can then go back to a position teaching on the faculty of a ranking university, without debasing the profession.

“However, there are extreme cases,” he said. “If the groupthink impulses and dogma have metastasized in the brain, it might be necessary to have additional remedial classes for the remedial class.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Created from images at: Schiller School , University Parent  , Neatoroma