Category: Ottawa

CSIS Officer Leaves Secret Decoder Ring on Sink While Moonlighting Part-time at Tim Hortons

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Tim Hortons-CSIS-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Canada’s security intelligence establishment was unwillingly drawn into the public spotlight again on Thursday when a CSIS surveillance officer accidentally left his secret decoder ring on a sink at an Ottawa Tim Hortons restaurant. The potentially serious security breach took place while the officer was moonlighting at the restaurant part-time.

“Well, I’m sorry for the mistake and everything, but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone,” said Timothy ________, (not his real name). “I had to take the Tim Hortons gig because I needed to make my car payment.”  He explained that he hadn’t received any pay from his spy agency job in more than six months because of the federal government’s failed pay system, Phoenix.

This current embarrassment for CSIS comes on the heels of a food scandal at its Ottawa headquarters where an employee threatened to: “…raise the issue with Amnesty International.”

The CSIS secret decoder ring is a highly classified piece of kit; a James Bond-type device that is issued to all CSIS field employees after they qualify to be field employees. It comes with a detailed set of written instructions that self-destruct after they are read, however if an operative forgets how to use it they are available on the Internet.

Officer ________ agreed to go public with his story as a caution to other CSIS colleagues who might find themselves in similar circumstances, because of part-time employment. He said that he doesn’t think that his slip of CSIS protocol at Tim Hortons would cause any harm because the “ring was only off my finger for a couple of minutes while I washed my hands —the food service industry has very strict rules, you know.”

A spokesperson at CSIS headquarters who would not give his name declined to comment for this article on the grounds that whatever he said would compromise national security. Source: FNT Staff

 

Photo credit: Original images by: Mobilesyrup /Tim Hortons, Toronto Star,

Canada Revenue Agency to Tax all Contest Winners of Tim Hortons Free Coffee

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Tim Hortons-FNT-small.pngOTTAWA – A leaked document from the Canada Revenue Agency shows that a 2017 tax code change will allow for taxing all past and future winners of free coffee in the Tim Hortons RRRoll Up The Rim To Win contest. The document also noted that the CRA will be hiring thirty thousand additional employees before the end of 2017, to enforce the new tax code.

This latest revelation came fast upon the heels of the CRA’s most recent bureaucratic slight-of-hand to separate retail employees from a long-established and financially negligible perquisite, by assessing discounted merchandize as a taxable benefit.

A spokesperson for the national revenue minister, who did not want to go on the record, explained that the reason the government was potentially spending billions of extra tax dollars in costs to extract a pittance in tax revenue from the lowest paid workers in the Canadian business sector was: “because we can.” And when FauxNews Today asked if a discounted purchase of second-hand pajama bottoms by a part-time employee of a goodwill store would count as a taxable benefit, the phone suddenly went to dial tone.

A spokesperson who was reached within the CRA was more forthcoming, although he also declined to give his name for the record, citing “privacy concerns.” He explained the reason why thirty-thousand additional CRA employees were hired to collect taxes from Tim Hortons contest winners.

“We know that Tim Hortons gives out more than thirty-thousand prizes in its RRRoll Up The Rim contest every year. So one CRA employee will be assigned to shadow each contest winner to ensure that anyone who wins a free cup of coffee will be certain to report it on his tax form.”

The CRA spokesperson was candid about why the agency consistently focused on such trivial and inconsequential sources of tax revenue when there was so much more to be gained by applying tax code changes to hugely profitable corporations like the Canadian banks.

“Banks have lawyers,” he said. “They put up a fight, use every loophole in the book and some that are not in the book. That’s costly and it might take decades to collect from them, if ever. The average docile Canadian citizen just lays down with no fuss and lets us empty out their pockets year after year.”

The CRA spokesperson was also asked if there was a specific rationale for the changes to the 2017 tax code.

“It’s simple,” he said. “We want the money. The CRA looks at the Canadian population as an orchard, ripe for the picking. And when we go out to harvest it, the first thing we pluck is the low hanging fruit.”  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: The30.ca, Tim Hortons