WASHINGTON, D.C.– The World Bank received a contrite report on Tuesday from a consortium of climate scientists, with a shocking admission that walks back decades of climate research. A new study has shown that sea levels around the world are not rising as they originally had thought.
Instead, the researchers now believe that the continents are sinking….under the weight of Bitcoin. And the answer, it seems, is not to be found in science, but in finance. The climate scientists, en masse, have thrown up their hands and appealed to the World Bank to: “…do something …anything…about it, or we will all be doomed!!”.
“Unfortunately, one of our lot misplaced a decimal point in one of the calculations for a climate mapping model back in 1986, and we’ve been using the same computation as a predictor ever since,” said Stephan Gorschich, P.h.D., an environmental analyst, who spoke to FauxNews Today on behalf of the consortium. “So, yeah, we fouled up big time, if you want to rub it in.”
Gorschich explained that a lot of time had been wasted in building up seawalls to keep out rising water in low lying areas of the world because of their erred climate model. “But we had a eureka moment when Bitcoin hit ten grand, and London sunk down by a full seven inches,” he said. “We had it wrong. The sea isn’t rising, it’s the land that is subsiding from all that weight. So, sorry about that.”
The scientists say the matter is now out of their hands. They are relying on the World Bank to rally the financial community and shut Bitcoin down, before it is too late and the entire global land mass is under water. A member of the consortium who spoke off the record said that he had sold all of his Bitcoin the week before and invested the proceeds in rice futures.
“Rice grows well in wet conditions,” he said.
The climate scientists explained as well that the phenomenon of land subsidence is not really new. Before the glaciers melted, the land that had been under billions of tons of ice had been severely pushed down, but when the ice disappeared it popped right up again.
“But that was 15,000 years ago, well before Bitcoin,” said Gorschich. And people have short memories, so they wouldn’t remember what it was like then.” Source: FNT Staff
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PARIS– Representatives of the 195 countries that signed the Paris climate agreement are now rushing to get back to the city again, in a panic. They have been urgently forced to rewrite the accord, as it has been rendered “untenable” because the world’s carbon footprint has suddenly been pushed off the scale.
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