Secret CSIS Program Under Bill C-51 to De-radicalize Canadian Cats, Exposed To Public Scrutiny

Cat & Bird & Mouse-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Civil libertarians and PETA have sounded the alarm that the Canadian cat population is being selectively brainwashed. The brouhaha began after media outlets reported that the animal control division of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) is surreptitiously using its new powers under Bill C-51 to disrupt what the defenders say is normal behaviour for cats.

The publicity-shy spy agency hunkered down into a defensive posture when the news about its controversial practices broke on Friday and raised the ire of pet owners across the country.

“We’ve had to take these steps because of the ongoing violence against Canada’s birds and rodents,” said Oliver Forsythe, who is a feline psychologist and heads up the formerly secret CSIS animal control program. “And we do it by intervening directly with the cats to de-radicalize their behavior.”

This was the first time that CSIS has admitted the use of its new powers under Bill C-51 to disrupt the behavior of Canadian house-pets.

The feline “interventions” according to Forsythe, can take different forms. CSIS disruption powers allow the agency to interfere with feeding habits, naps and visits to the litter-box. If a cat has a Twitter account for the purpose of attracting birds, it may be monitored. A repeat-offender cat may even be catnapped from its owner’s yard and taken to a pound without a warrant.

The provisions of Bill C-51 that allow intrusiveness like this have garnered criticism from the outset. But despite the very vocal public opposition to this law, and despite its promise to do so, the government continues to drag its heels in terms of making any changes to protect feline rights.

“As Canadians we need to ensure that our cats set an example of civilized behaviour for the rest of the world,” Forsythe said. “We are working hard so that Canada becomes a safer place for its small feathered and furry fauna.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Created from images at: Duke University/Scott Winton , Victor

NASA Launches Deep Fat Fryer Into Space to Save Planet From Global Warming

Earth-Space-FNT-SmallHOUSTON – Following the publication of a scientific paper that claimed that molecules from deep fat frying  may have a cooling effect on the climate, NASA immediately launched a deep fat fryer into space. The unit is fully operational and uses a solar panel to generate enough power to deep fry chicken and French fries.  It will orbit the Earth continuously with the intent to put a stop to global warming and climate change.

“Hey, according to what we see on television almost every day the oceans will boil over in a few years,” said Dexter Paragucci, NASA’s chief donut maker. “So I said, what the heck! I can sacrifice my trusty Hamilton Beach for a good cause.”

The deep fryer from the NASA cafeteria was modified with a lightweight basket and an extra-deep fat reservoir so it wouldn’t have to be refilled as often. A cadre of fast food fans stood by and cheered loudly as the three-stage booster rocket lifted off with the deep fryer unit fastened to the nose cone with duct tape.

“We were in a hurry,” Paragucci explained, regarding the use of duct tape. “But not to worry, it’s been tested on a lot of other flights as well.”

NASA launch control team members were extremely pleased with the mission although they were a bit peeved when they found that hush puppies and cider donuts had suddenly been taken off the menu in the cafeteria until further notice.

“This is a gigantic leap forward for food service research and climate science,” said Paragucci. “Who knew that fatty acids could save the world?” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Created from images at: Amazon/Hamilton Beach : HD Wallpaper