POTUS Declares “It’s been a good year” – Decides To Extend 2017 By Executive Order

POTUS-Exec Order-FNT-Small.pngWASHINGTON, D.C. – The President of the United States, by his own admission, has had a very good year. And to ensure that it continues, he has, by Executive Order, extended 2017 indefinitely, until further notice.

“It was great,” he said. “Huge. I ran a fantastic campaign and absolutely won in a cakewalk. After being sworn in as POTUS in January of 2017, I had the absolutely best year, better than any other president. The others that had been elected before me were disasters, believe me. I’ve accomplished more great things this year than any POTUS has ever done, ever. So in recognition of that greatness, I decided to emancipate 2017 and have it carry on in its fantastic way, by Presidential Directive, which I assure you I have every right to do.”

“Executive Orders have the force of law,” he said. “So until this one gets blocked by the courts because I may have exceeded my authority, hey 2017, do your great stuff.”

“A few people have been spreading rumours about Russia and the election, and then there was that health care business, but both those things happened so yesterday that we really need to get past them now. That’s why I am extending 2017, because it was a lucky year for me. The stock market is up 5000 points and everyone is happy. I’ve made the country great again.”

He also cited the elimination of global warming as one of his achievements for 2017.

“Before I was elected, everyone said there was global warming. Now we don’t have it. Is there any better evidence than that?”

“Now, next year, 2018, when I decide to let it happen, will be even better. I absolutely guarantee it. I might do that, let 2018 come ringing in, and I might not, because this year has been such a great one for me, the greatest one for any POTUS ever, why should it end just because a calendar says so? The dishonest media will tell you otherwise, but that’s just fake news. You can believe me on that score.

“But I may just let 2017 continue right up until 2020, when I will be re-elected, because of the dishonest media. Without me, and you can take this to the bank, they would go right down the tubes.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: NBC News


Report: Latest Study Finds That Studies Aren’t Worth the Server SpaceThey Are Stored On

Study Slide-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO –A recent report issued from the faculty of observational studies at York University has concluded that, for the most part, some studies aren’t worth the paper they are written on, or the server space they are stored on.

Roald Goertsan, a third-year student in general studies, explained that what he had learned after three years was that the “results” of observational studies could be highly misleading.

In a particular multi-year study, funded by the Orange Growers Association (OGA) of Ocala, Florida, eleven test subjects were observed drinking orange juice poured from three different containers, and then were asked to choose which one of the three they preferred.

The results of the latest year’s study showed that ten of the subjects chose the juice from container B, one chose the juice from container C and none preferred the juice from container A. When the observations were collated the results seemed to show that the orange juice from container B was a clear favourite with the test group. This delighted the OGA, which guaranteed another tranche of funding again for the next fiscal year.

Goertsan claimed however that although the official results showed that the test subjects had preferred the container B orange juice, there had been behind-the-scenes jiggery pokery. Eight of the tasters had been surreptitiously paid to “prefer” the juice in container B.

“So we did an in-depth study of them. I went back and looked at the results from previous years,” he said. And they were all slanted in the same way toward one orange juice company. It turns out that the owner of the company is the brother-in-law of the OGA’s president.

“It’s a depressing state of affairs,” he said. These observational studies are really just all about the money.”  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: SlidePlayer