Business and Finance: Rumour of Corporate Merger Between Bitcoin and Cannabis Consortium Sends Markets Into a Spin

Bitcoin-MJ-FNT-Small.pngNEW YORK – Rumours began flying around Wall Street on Monday about a potential corporate merger between the spectacularly bullish fiat currency upstart, Bitcoin, and a group of seven marijuana growers and marketers from different countries around the world that banded together to form a cannabis consortium. This near, not-quite-news sent the financial markets into a spin.

Market analysts speculated that although the financial marketplaces didn’t have a lot of details about the rumoured merger as yet, such a corporate bonding would make for a sound investment, because the two industries represent the fastest growing business sectors in the world today.

Bitcoin prices and marijuana stocks spiked sharply upward in early trading on the currency and stock exchanges, then briefly crashed as the AI tradebots that supposedly acted for investors frantically worked to self-adjust their algorithms to the market frenzy, while still looking after their own interests first.

Prices then climbed back up again to stabilize at 3.9 % below where they were before the unconfirmed buzz about the merger.

Trading was abruptly halted twice during the run-up and crash. When prices had recovered to near (but not quite) normal again, one of the market regulators explained to disappointed investors who had jumped in to the market and then lost their capital, why, once the trading had stabilized, prices were now down almost four percent, on supposed good news.

“Well, all the analysts bought in early, before the rumour was made public. And all the bots took a profit, just in case,” he said. “So it really was just another normal trading day and the sheep got fleeced as usual.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: Bitcoin , Investopedia , FrogDog

Climate Scientists Wrong: Sea Levels Not Rising; Continents Sinking Under Weight of Bitcoin

Continents-FNT-Small.pngWASHINGTON, D.C.– The World Bank received a contrite report on Tuesday from a consortium of climate scientists, with a shocking admission that walks back decades of climate research. A new study has shown that sea levels around the world are not rising as they originally had thought.

Instead, the researchers now believe that the continents are sinking….under the weight of Bitcoin. And the answer, it seems, is not to be found in science, but in finance. The climate scientists, en masse, have thrown up their hands and appealed to the World Bank to: “…do something …anything…about it, or we will all be doomed!!”.

“Unfortunately, one of our lot misplaced a decimal point in one of the calculations for a climate mapping model back in 1986, and we’ve been using the same computation as a predictor ever since,” said Stephan Gorschich, P.h.D., an environmental analyst, who spoke to FauxNews Today on behalf of the consortium. “So, yeah, we fouled up big time, if you want to rub it in.”

Gorschich explained that a lot of time had been wasted in building up seawalls to keep out rising water in low lying areas of the world because of their erred climate model. “But we had a eureka moment when Bitcoin hit ten grand, and London sunk down by a full seven inches,” he said. “We had it wrong. The sea isn’t rising, it’s the land that is subsiding from all that weight. So, sorry about that.”

The scientists say the matter is now out of their hands. They are relying on the World Bank to rally the financial community and shut Bitcoin down, before it is too late and the entire global land mass is under water. A member of the consortium who spoke off the record said that he had sold all of his Bitcoin the week before and invested the proceeds in rice futures.

“Rice grows well in wet conditions,” he said.

The climate scientists explained as well that the phenomenon of land subsidence is not really new. Before the glaciers melted, the land that had been under billions of tons of ice had been severely pushed down, but when the ice disappeared it popped right up again.

“But that was 15,000 years ago, well before Bitcoin,” said Gorschich. And people have short memories, so they wouldn’t remember what it was like then.”    Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Fortune ,Nations Online,  :