Tag: Canada

Year-end Report: Increased Murder Rate in Toronto Linked to Jell-O Shortage in Siberia

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Toronto-Murder Rate-FNT-Small.pngTORONTO – As another year comes to an end and bureaucracies rush to prepare their annual reports, statisticians, police officers and nutritionists in Toronto are struggling to come up with an explanation as to why the city’s 2017 murder rate coincides almost exactly with data from 1987 that shows a shortage of Jell-O in Siberia.

“Maybe Sherlock Holmes could solve it, but so far we haven’t found any clues,” said Detective Anthony Pavelin of the city’s guns, gangs and fancy desserts task force, before he booked off sick with a headache.

“The 1987 date is interesting because this graph matches up with the Jell-O numbers from exactly thirty years ago,” said Jeremy Winstalter, a data analyst who works for the bureau of statistics. It’s the curse of the Internet, There’s just too much information floating around out there in the ether. So we think that maybe the 87 data slid in through a time warp and corrupted the file, or something.”

“I didn’t even know that they had Jell-O in Siberia,” said Helen Armbruster, a nutritionist and occasional cooking show host on CBC’s “Reach for the Pudding” that airs on Tuesday afternoons. “Of course, there was a shortage, so they didn’t actually have any there, did they? That was the point of the graph. I had a guest on the show last week who murdered a crème brûlée, but that’s probably not it. Oh, you’d best go bother someone else with your silly questions.”

To confuse matters further, the 2017 year-end data showed the murders graphed in Toronto were connected together in what the police department called clusters. But the Siberian Jell-O shortage graph from 1987 was a graceful upward parabola. However when the two charts were overlaid, the twelve-month curves matched almost exactly.

“That’s what made my head hurt,” said Detective Pavelin. But before he left for the day, he offered a possible explanation for the mystery that is befuddling the bureaucracy.

“Sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence,” he said.  Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: About Toronto , Kraft , fotolia

Op-Ed: Political Spat Between Saskatchewan and Alberta Is Like a Territorial Dispute between Drug Lords or Street Gangs-No Benefit to Public

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Alberta-Sask-Wall-FNTEDMONTON – In the manner of drug lords and street gang thugs claiming personal territory, politicians in two Canadian provinces yesterday puffed out their chests in a pretentious mise-en-scene and launched invective at each other across the border between them.

In a nutshell, Saskatchewan blustered about banning Alberta license plates from construction sites in the province and Alberta retaliated by name calling and threatening to take Saskatchewan to court. There are behind-the-scenes rumours that Alberta is now scheming to build a wall along the border between the two provinces, and charge Saskatchewan for it.

The self-serving spat, driven by inflated egos, which was captured and egged on by national media, was supposedly about protecting the interests of trade within their perceived fiefdoms. It coincidently also happens to be about which side might get first dibs on taxing said trade. Despite the preening displays about their respective fiat boundaries, neither argument has any more locally-endorsed legitimacy than, in hindsight, did former jurisdictional landholding claims by colonial powers.

These escalating trends of political posturing by elected officials to restrict freedoms and levy tax grabs, conducted under the guise of protecting public interests, are getting more and more tiresome.

Notwithstanding the inherent and overblown silliness of this particular interaction, both sides seemed also to have forgotten both their manners and the fact that they hold office solely by the good graces of the general public, which would be seriously inconvenienced and financially disadvantaged by such overreaching intrusion into people’s day to day lives. Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at; Wikipedia