GENEVA – Bureaucratic fisticuffs nearly broke out today between the United States and Russia over the ownership of a mysterious strain of bacteria that was discovered on the International Space Station (ISS). A Russian cosmonaut claimed that the bacteria, which was found on the outside of the ISS, was potentially alien in origin.
That the bacteria even existed where it did, was a curious anomaly of science. That it existed without political boundaries or restrictions of any kind was a burdock in the underwear of the statists of both countries.
In the current climate of suspiclon, the cosmonaut’s speculation set off a firestorm of mutual accusation. Political opportunists in the American and Russian state departments immediately sprang at each other’s throats, each charging the other with pilfering and perfidy in space.
The United States initially denounced Russia for the unusual “discovery” and accused it of lying about the alien origin so that it could stake a claim to the bacteria in the World Court.
Russia vehemently denied this and has countered with it’s own accusation that the United States was secretly developing the bacteria as a biological weapon to be used in a false flag attack so that Russia would be blamed.
At press time both sides were seconded in a neutral country, but not officially talking to each other. However a source who wanted to remain anonymous said that lawyers behind the scenes were in ongoing discussions about what exactly constitutes community property in space. Source: FNT Staff
Photo credit: Created from images at: ScienceOHolic, :GlycoNet
OTTAWA – A leaked classified document from foreign affairs, has confirmed that bureaucracies from seven different northern countries are now quibbling over ownership of the aurora borealis. The negotiations are cloaked in mystery and secrecy, but insiders have hinted that if the parties cannot reach a resolution the matter may wind up being decided by the World Court.
No one, however, has been able to answer the question: why do they want ownership?
A spokesperson for the department, who agreed to speak briefly off the record because he feared reprisal, explained the rationale behind the highly-charged contretemps.
“No comment!” he said, and abruptly hung up.
FauxNews Today was able to reach an analyst on contract with the National Research Council who was able to shed some light on the subject. He gave his name as “Bob Galileo”, (which, upon reflection, might well be false).
He explained that the aurora borealis was actually potential energy stored in Earth’s magnetosphere and released in the form of light under certain conditions involving the solar wind and a couple of other factors. All governments therefore were anxious to stake their claim on one of nature’s most spectacular wonders.
“It used to be about oil,” said Bob Galileo. “But oil’s now passé. So whoever can nail down ownership of the northern lights will have their hands on enough green energy to power every single city in the high latitudes and sell the surplus to the rest of the country.”
Before he rang off, Bob then tried to interest the reporter in buying shares of a solar-wind-farm company he and some colleagues had recently founded near the International Space Station. Source: FNT Staff
Photo credit: Original images at: Mental Floss, Dreamstime,