NAFTA Talks Abruptly Stalled Over Health Care Coverage For Zombie Illegals

Illegal Zombies-FNT-SmallOTTAWA – Round eleven of the NAFTA renegotiation talks screeched to a halt today as representatives from all three countries disagreed to agree on a critical issue: health care coverage for Zombies that crossed over international borders in either direction.

There have been a number of stumbling blocks to renewing the North American Free Trade Agreement between Canada, the United States and Mexico. This one however threatens to shunt it off the rails permanently. All three countries agree that top-notch health care for everyone is a shared goal. They just disagree on how to go about it for Zombies who are in their countries without proper documentation.

“They may have a pre-existing condition,” said David Anderson, the Canadian negotiator who arrived in Ottawa from Summerside P.E.I. six months ago for the NAFTA talks. “But in this country we are committed to universal health care. We can’t deny them insurance just because they came here illegally.”

Miguel Perez, the representative from Mexico, agreed that all Zombies deserved to have access to the best medical care, whatever country they were in, but had grave reservations about the costs.

“If a Zombie sneaks down from Montreal and slips across the border to Tijuana, who will pay for it if he winds up needing an emergency liver transplant?” he asked. “We won’t turn them away from the hospital, but we reserve the right to send the bill to Canada!”

The negotiator from the United States, Roy Ernheart, said that Washington’s priorities were “firm” and that its position on Zombie health care coverage hadn’t changed. “It’s an individual responsibility,” he stated emphatically. “We’ve got the Affordable Care Act, but it doesn’t cover everyone and right now it’s up in the air. So even if they tunnel into America, from either the north or the south, they need to buy medical insurance before they cross under the border.”

All three negotiators were quick to downplay any suggestion that their country might have a hidden Zombie anti-immigration agenda. Anderson, the Canadian, spoke on the record on behalf of the group.

“We welcome diversity,” he said.   Source: FNT Staff


Photo credit: Original images by Imgflip & Clipart Panda

Gatineau Spring Water Feeds Fountain of Youth Via Intracoastal Waterway

Fountain of Youth-FNT-SmallST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA – Local officials were dismayed today when they received a test report from a federal lab about the water in a nearby park fountain. The test showed that it originated from an artesian spring located in Gatineau, Quebec.

“Oh, Judas Priest!” said Roald Martin, a hydrologic engineer who works for the State of Florida. “Normally water is just water, but not in this case!” He was referring to the park site listed on the National Register of Historic Places where the famed Fountain of Youth was said to have been discovered by Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon in 1513.

“This is a disaster,” said Michael Rodriguez, who heads up the visitors’ centre in St. Johns County. ”Just when tourist season is ramping up. Canadians won’t want to come here now when they find out they can get this same water at home!”

Roger Atwell, who sits on the St. Augustine police commission, had other concerns. “I don’t want to be the one who has to explain this to Homeland Security,” he said. “That water crossed over the U.S. border from Canada without any documentation.”

Pierre Duchesneau, a city official from Wakefield, Quebec, said he didn’t see any reason for alarm on that front. “NAFTA is still very much in place,” he said. “And our water gets a free pass.” He also said the ultra-pure Quebec eau de fonte artésienne probably reached the Florida fountain through the Intracoastal waterway. “If I can prove that,” he said, “We’ll be sending them a bill every month.”

The anomaly showed up when the water in the Florida park fountain was tested in preparation for a bulk sale to a research hydroponic operation. The botanists had planned to use it for a project to grow a prune cultivar without wrinkles.

Chief scientist Arnold Zeffareli of the federal test facility in Washington D.C., was able to shed some light on the method the lab used to prove that the water tested from Florida actually came from Quebec.

“It’s like a DNA test,” he said. “But with water.”          Source: FNT Staff