TORONTO– Canada’s largest metropolis has scored another major “first“ for the country, with a trailblazing model-community initiative. The city’s Fads, Trends and Groupthink Department has certified a twenty-block-square district of Old Toronto as the nation’s first entirely gluten-free neighbourhood.
“We can now start to call ourselves world-class again,” said Seth Burnside, Toronto’s Director of Municipal Fads at a media conference he had called to announce the success of the project. “I mean we were seriously losing ground when it came to biggest, best and first. But this puts us back on the map!”
Phase one of the gluten-free neighbourhood calls for shutting down all restaurants and grocery stores within the area, that serve or stock gluten products. When asked about the Twitter promotional hashtag for the project (#zerotoleranceforgluten), a spokesperson for the mayor’s office, Janice Stenowski, adamantly rejected the suggestion that an all-out gluten ban for residents might be next.
“Trust me,” she said. “The legislators would never do that sort of thing!” She then ducked out to “find a place, any place”, to legally have a quick cigarette.
Stenowski, also strongly denied that the initiative had been conceived “in self-centred desperation” to counter the growing anti-Toronto movement, as had been claimed by some critics. “Its not snobbish or elitist,” she said. “There’s no shame in a city considering itself more cosmopolitan, urbane and sophisticated than anywhere else in the country, when its true.”
Finally, she pooh-poohed the idea that Toronto was discriminating against people who ate biscuits and scones and Wonder Bread made with regular flour. “People who liked such things” she said, with a perceptible shudder that appeared to be revulsion, “were welcome to consume any amount they wished, just not in this neighbourhood.”
The city’s Economic Development Department and the Toronto Real Estate Board have praised the initiative; issuing a joint media release that invites all “A-listers, one-percenters and other beautiful people” to “consider making Toronto your new gluten-free home.” Studies show that gluten sensitivity seems highly prevalent among people with large disposable incomes, an elevated sense of self-importance and a lot of free time on their hands.
Ultimately, the plans call for Toronto’s new trend-setting, gluten-free community to be gated behind an eight-foot high metal fence, but in the meantime the area will be initially cordoned off with Day-Glo® orange tape to identify and mark the borders.
“It’s just a stopgap because we’ve got to get the project launched right away,” said Burnside. “We’re still looking for someone to pay for the fence.” Source: FNT Staff