TORONTO – The Sugar Plum Fairy has had her wings clipped and her ballet slippers taken away by the Grinch who stole a Christmas tradition. Fans of The Nutcracker will not be able to see it anywhere in Ontario this season due to the heavy hand of the state.
In a bizarre rendition of the movie Footloose, legislators snapped into predictable action in a spectacularly progressive move, even for them, and banned all performances of the iconic ballet in the province, because a ticket holder in a Toronto theatre complained of a nut allergy.
The ban followed the spread of anxiety that escalated to a crisis, when the ticket holder, whose name is not being released for her own safety, looked at her stub in the middle of a performance and shrieked: ”Oh, my God! This isn’t Swan Lake! And I am allergic to nuts!”
The theatre was immediately evacuated and despite the panic there were no serious injuries except for the giant Fabergé egg replica, which came to grief when it was tossed out a second floor window and landed on the concrete sidewalk near the stage door.
A woman also fainted when someone said they had seen a stray peanut fifty feet away under a theatre seat. She was taken to the hospital by ambulance as a precaution, but it turned out to be low blood pressure because she had skipped dinner to see the ballet.
The nutphobia ban remains in place until further notice or until The Nutcracker is rebranded with a name change and its history scrubbed from the records.
Shirley Davidson, a bystander waiting to buy a ticket who was rudely shooed away from the window after it closed, spoke to FauxNews Today about the ban. She said that although the government restriction was “typically Canadian” she felt that Ontario had been a little overzealous in its approach, not to mention behind the times.
“I don’t get it,” she said. “I mean, nut allergies were so 2009.” Source: FNT Staff