TORONTO – Queens Park rushed through emergency legislation to cancel Christmas indefinitely in Ontario, just in time to stop the yuletide celebrations this year. According to one government analyst, Derrick Roebarton, the move will save the province more than $40 million in OHIP payouts, for 2017 alone.
After reading a seven-year-old federal report on the economic implications of obesity. the government’s spreadsheet warriors have determined that overweight people cost the province’s health care system $4.5 billion. When asked if any of the physicians in the province had been consulted as to the actual effects of that on an individual’s health, Roebarton was shocked.
“Not my problem, man” he said. “I just crunch the numbers and if we can save the treasury a few bucks it means a bonus at year end.”
When a number of Ontarians were stopped on the streets of Toronto and asked what they thought about the abrupt cancellation of Christmas, most were ambivalent.
One man from Mississauga, who said his name Ronald Selwin, replied with a shrug. He said that he had thought long and hard about it and felt that as a Canadian he had decided to apologize to the Ontario government for his behavior and, that of his fellow citizens. He also explained that he considered it bad form to use the word Christmas.
“I mean, I get it,” he said. “We overindulge in everything during holidays and that can lead to obesity. I’m guilty of it myself. So we’re really abusing OHIP; anyone should be able to see that. So, as for cancelling the holiday, I guess we deserve it and although government is our friend, it’s not as if we’re not used to being disappointed by it.”
Roebarton, the financial analyst, said that he wouldn’t miss having Christmas in Ontario, as he usually went to his parents place in New Brunswick, anyway, because now that he had a decent government job, he could afford it. He did profess to be disappointed in one aspect of the situation, however.
“Man, if we’d only twigged to that obesity information back in February or March,” he said, “we could have tripled or maybe even quadrupled the savings. I would have made the sunshine list this year.” Source: FNT Staff