Category: Canada

Quebec Lawmakers Finally Run Out of New Ideas for Laws to Pass and Things to Ban

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Quebec-Ideas-Ban-FNT-small.pngQUEBEC CITY – After passing a law banning baseball (Bill 62-B) and having to fight a lie detector test in court to defend Bill 62, the Assemblée nationale du Québec has finally run out of new ideas for laws to pass and things to ban. One lawmaker that a reporter from FauxNews Today spoke with, seemed dazed and confused about the current state of affairs in the Assemblée nationale.

“On nous a tous dit de rentrer tôt à la maison, et de penser très fort.”, he said. Roughly translated this means: “They told us all to go home early, and put our thinking caps on.”

This does not come as a surprise to some. The Assemblée nationale has seen an almost non-stop flurry of legislative activity over the past few months. Lawmakers have attempted to pass legislation that would put a stop to almost every possible human activity that people might engage in, and especially those that they might enjoy.

First, there was Bill 62, which bans children from wearing Halloween masks on buses as well as people from wearing scarves and balaclavas in January on ski slopes funded by the provincial government. This law has been challenged in the courts.

Subsequently people are now being told that they cannot be courteous to others anymore, for fear of having someone from government in one’s face.

A Zamboni driver at Montreal’s Bell Centre who spoke off the record thought long and hard for a moment before he would comment on the sudden dearth of ideas in the Assemblée nationale. Finally he said: “Ça ne me surprend pas, ils ont brûlé leur petit cerveau.” [“…It does not surprise me. They have all worn out their tiny little brains.”]   Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Madelaine Mautford , Gartner Blog Network

Canadian Newspaper Corporations Hold Annual Bake Sale to Boost Revenues

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Cdn Newspapers-FNY.pngTORONTO– Struggling to stay afloat in a sea of red ink, Canadian newspaper conglomerates have banded together again for their second annual fall bake sale to boost last-quarter revenues to where they might again stave off insolvency. The sale will take place at the Rogers Centre, beginning on Saturday.

Embarrassed as they are at their dire collective circumstances, no single spokesperson would go on record to talk about the event, however an industry source who asked to remain anonymous stepped forward to speak for the group.

“We’ve run the numbers on this,” he said, “and we’re optimistic that this sale may be just the ticket to break the jinx of bad luck we’ve had since the Internet came and spoiled everything for us.” He waved a hand at the plates of brownies, butter tarts and shortbread. “In the past we’ve always been able to cut fat in a bad year. Now we’re going to sell it.”

This latest brainchild to drive revenues comes on the heels of the deal struck by Canada’s two largest newspaper companies to swap more than 40 regional newspapers that previously competed against each other for advertising revenue. Wags are calling the creative business decision: “Newswapopoly”.

The giant bake sale is also seen as a means of near-last resort after the federal government has refused to consider additional subsidies for the struggling industry, which has seen declining advertising revenues for years running.

“We’re not about to throw good money after bad,” said a spokesperson for the government who refused to give his name, as he admitted that he had left work early.

Corporate owners however are sanguine that the home-made sweets extravaganza will save their bacon again this year. It appeared to be doing a brisk business as journalists, editors and interns who had been laid off in the newspaper swap took turns plying their retail skills at the goodies tables.

“We’re already ahead of last year’s numbers,” said a former sports reporter as he rang up a plate of coconut cookies at the register. “If this keeps up, they’ll make enough to cover the executive year-end bonuses.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: The Globe and Mail , Food Network , Pinterest