Category: Ottawa

NAFTA Talks Abruptly Stalled Over Health Care Coverage For Zombie Illegals

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Illegal Zombies-FNT-SmallOTTAWA – Round eleven of the NAFTA renegotiation talks screeched to a halt today as representatives from all three countries disagreed to agree on a critical issue: health care coverage for Zombies that crossed over international borders in either direction.

There have been a number of stumbling blocks to renewing the North American Free Trade Agreement between Canada, the United States and Mexico. This one however threatens to shunt it off the rails permanently. All three countries agree that top-notch health care for everyone is a shared goal. They just disagree on how to go about it for Zombies who are in their countries without proper documentation.

“They may have a pre-existing condition,” said David Anderson, the Canadian negotiator who arrived in Ottawa from Summerside P.E.I. six months ago for the NAFTA talks. “But in this country we are committed to universal health care. We can’t deny them insurance just because they came here illegally.”

Miguel Perez, the representative from Mexico, agreed that all Zombies deserved to have access to the best medical care, whatever country they were in, but had grave reservations about the costs.

“If a Zombie sneaks down from Montreal and slips across the border to Tijuana, who will pay for it if he winds up needing an emergency liver transplant?” he asked. “We won’t turn them away from the hospital, but we reserve the right to send the bill to Canada!”

The negotiator from the United States, Roy Ernheart, said that Washington’s priorities were “firm” and that its position on Zombie health care coverage hadn’t changed. “It’s an individual responsibility,” he stated emphatically. “We’ve got the Affordable Care Act, but it doesn’t cover everyone and right now it’s up in the air. So even if they tunnel into America, from either the north or the south, they need to buy medical insurance before they cross under the border.”

All three negotiators were quick to downplay any suggestion that their country might have a hidden Zombie anti-immigration agenda. Anderson, the Canadian, spoke on the record on behalf of the group.

“We welcome diversity,” he said.   Source: FNT Staff

 

Photo credit: Original images by Imgflip & Clipart Panda

Saskatchewan Farmer Discovers Source of Phoenix Pay System Computer Glitch

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Phoenix Falling-FNT-125%MOOSE JAW, SASK – Public servants across the country may finally begin to breathe a little easier today after a local farmer discovered the source of a nagging software glitch in the federal government’s troubled Phoenix pay system.

Investigators from Environment Canada removed seven groundhogs and twenty-six Richardson’s ground squirrels that were nesting for the winter in a government complex between Regina and Moose Jaw that houses backup computer servers for Phoenix.

Alvin Chernowski, who farms twelve-hundred acres near Grand Coulee, uncovered the mystery when he dropped a combine axle into what he first believed was a sinkhole, while he was harvesting his barley crop.

“Turns out it was a groundhog hole,” he said. “But a big sucker, nearly four feet across. I didn’t see it because of the tall grain. They were using it to tunnel into the building. It went right under the Trans-Canada Highway. I knew it was serious when the guys in the hazmat suits turned up with cage traps.”

He said he had been aware of some unusual activity in the area during the early growing season, but hadn’t been unduly concerned.

“I didn’t pay much attention to it because I thought it might be related to crop circles,” he explained. “They show up in that field every year now and there isn’t much one can do about that so I’ve stopped worrying about it. And I’ve got a crop circle rider on the insurance.”

At least one government worker believes that Chernowski should be awarded a medal for his discovery.

“To some of us, he’s a hero,” said Jake Peterson, a software engineer seconded from Shared Services Canada who works at the government’s pay centre in Miramichi, New Brunswick. “I mean, I haven’t been paid myself for six months. I had to borrow money from my sister to make my car payment last week.”

Peterson also provided an explanation as to why a computer server for the Miramichi pay centre was located more than three thousand kilometers away, in Saskatchewan.

“Well, it’s on account of global warming,” he said. “They were concerned about possible flooding from the Bay here. When she rises up up, things can get ugly. So they put the backup unit far enough away so it wouldn’t get wet.”

The Deputy Minister currently in charge of the Phoenix pay system could not be reached for comment.  Source: FNT Staff