Category: Uncategorized

Report: Results of G7 Study on Politicians Being Made Illegal – “Might Work Well”

~ FauxNews Today ~ Leave a comment

Cartoon-truth vs Lies-FNT-SmallOXFORD – Following an announcement that the country of Cambodia has made outlaws out of politicians, the G7 countries immediately commissioned a study into the effects of making all politicians illegal, everywhere. The report, just released, summarized the findings of the study in the précis as: ‘Might indeed work well. Couldn’t possibly make the world any worse off than it is now.”

The study was conducted by a team in the faculty of political science at Oxford University. Professor Arkady Chagossian Ph.D. explained to FauxNews Today how he and his researchers obtained what he called “entirely predictable results” based on running sophisticated computer models of societies that functioned sans politicians at any level.Poli-Sci-Small

“We verified in our computer simulations,” he said, “that people would rather be told things that made them feel comfortable, even if they were lies, rather than face truths that gave them a downer.”

The professor went on to explain that his team was able to simulate extremely stable societal conditions that worked wonderfully well entirely without politicians, by setting up public kiosks with minimum wage staffs that dispensed the same formulaic promises, distortion, obfuscation and  prevarication that people would get by subscribing to a political campaign of any partisan stripe.Springer-ZME Science-Small

“People seem to have a need to be lied to as long as it makes them feel better,” he said. “So all we did was replace one form of it with another. They were even willing to line up and take a number.”

“And the financial benefits alone were astronomical,” he further explained. “The savings for the cost of elections alone ran into the billions.”

The positive results of the computer modeling aside however, Professor Chagossian was not at all optimistic that the team’s lab results could ever be adapted in the real world to become a functional model for societies.

“It would only work if it were actually possible to stop politicians running for public office, and that’s a stretch,” he said. “Because, unfortunately, it’s in the genes.”   Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Armstrong Economics, The Sydney Morning Herald , Linkedin / Sam Instone , University of Wisconsin-Madison Libraries , ZME Science / Springer

Scientists Announce First Human Head and Torso Transplanted to a Horse

~ FauxNews Today ~ Leave a comment

Centaur-FNT-Small.pngVIENNA – Following the announcement of the world’s first successful human head transplant performed on a corpse, scientists have pushed out the envelope yet again with a full human head and torso transplant performed on a horse. The operation was performed by a team of surgical interns who came together from three countries.

A spokesperson for the team, which also included a veterinarian, a retired jockey and consulting pedicurist, said the public could read about the procedure shortly in medical journals, as well as in Variety, as the details were filmed for a documentary as well as a major film release.

When asked why the scientific and medical communities were wreaking such debasing indignities on humans and animals, the lead surgeon, Dr. Ishmael Smith-Jones, waved a scalpel dripping with blood in the air and said: “Because we can!” The controversial procedure however, is not without its critics.

“Have they considered the psychological trauma to the horse when it wakes up and finds out that it doesn’t particularly care for grass, hay and oats?” asked Doctor Stanley Cochinsky, an equine psychiatrist , counselor and whisperer, who was trained in the Freud method. “I think not!”

Professor Carl Manechewitz, PhD, who heads up the faculty of mythology and folklore studies at Casablanca University, called the procedure ‘mythological pollution’.

“They’ve seriously crossed a line here,” he said. “In the future, how will we be able to distinguish between actual Thessalian and Laconian Centaurs and just common garden variety transplant patients? It boggles the mind!”

When the news broke, governments and the top-tier corporations of the G20 countries scrambled to quickly find ways of putting this scientific breakthrough to practical use.

“There must be a lucrative market for it,” said a billionaire CEO who asked that his name be kept confidential. “Otherwise, why would they have done it?” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Deviant Art / Amnakin,  Pinterest