Climate Scientists Wrong: Sea Levels Not Rising; Continents Sinking Under Weight of Bitcoin

Continents-FNT-Small.pngWASHINGTON, D.C.– The World Bank received a contrite report on Tuesday from a consortium of climate scientists, with a shocking admission that walks back decades of climate research. A new study has shown that sea levels around the world are not rising as they originally had thought.

Instead, the researchers now believe that the continents are sinking….under the weight of Bitcoin. And the answer, it seems, is not to be found in science, but in finance. The climate scientists, en masse, have thrown up their hands and appealed to the World Bank to: “…do something …anything…about it, or we will all be doomed!!”.

“Unfortunately, one of our lot misplaced a decimal point in one of the calculations for a climate mapping model back in 1986, and we’ve been using the same computation as a predictor ever since,” said Stephan Gorschich, P.h.D., an environmental analyst, who spoke to FauxNews Today on behalf of the consortium. “So, yeah, we fouled up big time, if you want to rub it in.”

Gorschich explained that a lot of time had been wasted in building up seawalls to keep out rising water in low lying areas of the world because of their erred climate model. “But we had a eureka moment when Bitcoin hit ten grand, and London sunk down by a full seven inches,” he said. “We had it wrong. The sea isn’t rising, it’s the land that is subsiding from all that weight. So, sorry about that.”

The scientists say the matter is now out of their hands. They are relying on the World Bank to rally the financial community and shut Bitcoin down, before it is too late and the entire global land mass is under water. A member of the consortium who spoke off the record said that he had sold all of his Bitcoin the week before and invested the proceeds in rice futures.

“Rice grows well in wet conditions,” he said.

The climate scientists explained as well that the phenomenon of land subsidence is not really new. Before the glaciers melted, the land that had been under billions of tons of ice had been severely pushed down, but when the ice disappeared it popped right up again.

“But that was 15,000 years ago, well before Bitcoin,” said Gorschich. And people have short memories, so they wouldn’t remember what it was like then.”    Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Fortune ,Nations Online,  :

NASA Launches Deep Fat Fryer Into Space to Save Planet From Global Warming

Earth-Space-FNT-SmallHOUSTON – Following the publication of a scientific paper that claimed that molecules from deep fat frying  may have a cooling effect on the climate, NASA immediately launched a deep fat fryer into space. The unit is fully operational and uses a solar panel to generate enough power to deep fry chicken and French fries.  It will orbit the Earth continuously with the intent to put a stop to global warming and climate change.

“Hey, according to what we see on television almost every day the oceans will boil over in a few years,” said Dexter Paragucci, NASA’s chief donut maker. “So I said, what the heck! I can sacrifice my trusty Hamilton Beach for a good cause.”

The deep fryer from the NASA cafeteria was modified with a lightweight basket and an extra-deep fat reservoir so it wouldn’t have to be refilled as often. A cadre of fast food fans stood by and cheered loudly as the three-stage booster rocket lifted off with the deep fryer unit fastened to the nose cone with duct tape.

“We were in a hurry,” Paragucci explained, regarding the use of duct tape. “But not to worry, it’s been tested on a lot of other flights as well.”

NASA launch control team members were extremely pleased with the mission although they were a bit peeved when they found that hush puppies and cider donuts had suddenly been taken off the menu in the cafeteria until further notice.

“This is a gigantic leap forward for food service research and climate science,” said Paragucci. “Who knew that fatty acids could save the world?” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Created from images at: Amazon/Hamilton Beach : HD Wallpaper