Freaks of Science and Nature: 500 Pound Piranha Discovered In Abandoned Disney Water Park

Piranha-500 Lb-FNT-SmallORLANDO – Ichthyologists from seventeen countries converged on an abandoned water park in Bay Lake, Florida on Wednesday, after a local resident, Anson Shelbart, reported that he had “..nearly lost an arm..” while trying to retrieve his bicycle that had accidently tumbled off a nature trail into the lagoon. He had been attacked, he said, by a very large fish; in his words: “…a huge SOB, with a mouth full of teeth like razor blades!”

Mister Shelbart, who works part time as a zucchini trainer at a nearby market garden, had the presence of mind to snap a photo of the attacker with his smartphone and post it to the Internet. Within minutes, a fish nerd from Philadelphia claimed that it was a red-bellied piranha, “…easily identifiable by its colouration, powerful jaw muscles and serrated teeth.”

The photograph however showed the fish in the Florida lagoon to be longer than the photographer’s bicycle, which was clearly visible in the background. An Ichthyologist in Brazil, who specializes in the species, called the Florida photo: “…a hoax of gargantuan proportion…” as piranhas are typically less than twelve inches in length.

This professional challenge raised an Internet firestorm of controversy, responsible for bringing the seventeen Ichthyology specialists to Bay Lake.

The fish, which weighed out at 503 pounds, was dragged from the lagoon with a grappling hook borrowed from Mister Shelbart’s zucchini-training academy. It was ultimately pronounced a “freak of nature” by the assembled men of science after they could not come to a consensus as to its exact species.

They did all agree however that it was “excellent” when deep-fried in beer batter and served up with cider vinegar and potato chips.

The Bay Lake water park, which was designed around a wilderness theme with an artificial rustic “swimming hole”, was once owned by Disney. It was abandoned in 2001 after several tourists and a cow went missing in mysterious circumstances.

Reached just before press time, a spokesperson for the Disney Corporation first declined to comment, and then abruptly hung up the telephone. Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: ThoughtCo, Theme Park Tourist

Apple Inc. Buys Ireland To Settle the Country’s Tax Claim Against the Corporation

Apple-Ireland-FNT-Small.pngCUPERTINO, CA – Tech giant Apple Inc. managed to settle a contentious $20 Billion (Cdn) bill for back taxes and increase its assets and net worth in one fell swoop on Wednesday, when it bought the Republic of Ireland for an undisclosed price. The joint tax settlement and purchase and sale agreement for the country, was closed on a handshake.

“Hey, it was either make a deal or argue with the EU in court again about the back taxes and escrow,” said a spokesperson for the Irish Revenue Commissioners, who wouldn’t give his name. “And we didn’t want to risk that, because, between you and me, it could have gone either way. Besides, Apple has more money than we do, and now they are responsible for our national debt, so it’s a bargain all around.”

Apple Inc. Has worldwide sales of $229 billion and has been consistently ranked as the most valuable brand on the globe. .As the news of the settlement and purchase spread, the company’s stock price spiked sharply and crashed the NASDAQ website. The financial media have been quick to dub what many believe is a sweet deal for Apple as: “the Dublin Coddle.”

When FauxNews Today contacted Apple’s corporate comptroller for a comment on the unusual transaction, he said that the details of Apple’s purchase and sale of Ireland were very hush-hush.

“But I can tell you,” he said, “that we will put the check in the mail.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: Fortune , GP Wealth Management ,  Flamborough Information & Community Services , EU Rail , Linkedin Learning/Apple Inc.  and Phoenix Property Master