Category: United States

Amazon Prime Offers Free Trip To Kepler-13Ab As Membership Sign-up Bonus

~ FauxNews Today ~ Leave a comment

Kepler Exoplanet-FNT-Small.pngCHIGAGO– Amazon.com has scored another world-first with an offer of a free trip to the gas giant exoplanet Kepler-13Ab as a limited, one-time bonus for signing up for its premium paid subscription service, Amazon Prime. And in spite of the fact that the logistics haven’t yet been worked out for the unprecedented offer, the marketplace has responded with unbridled enthusiasm.

“What an incredible deal!” said Carmine Rathmore, a software developer who was lined up with his credit card at an Amazon pop-up store in Chicago behind dozens of other customers who were waiting their turn to take advantage of the free travel offer. “I already have a Prime membership, but I’m buying another one using a fake name because you’d be stupid to pass this up.”

Another customer in the lineup who said his name was “Leon from Toronto” called the limited-time offer a “customer windfall”. He said that he was in Chicago on vacation but this particular Amazon freebie was so spectacular that he couldn’t wait to get back home to take advantage of it.

Promotional literature about Kepler-13Ab that was available in a rack by the door noted that the huge gas sphere is more than 1,700 light-years distant, has temperatures as high as 2,700 degrees Celcius and gravity eight times greater than Earth.

“Hey, I’m all about the new experience,” said Rathmore, waving his Visa card in the air impatiently. “And if Amazon is behind it, what could possibly go wrong?”

Leon from Toronto allowed that he’d heard that the giant exoplanet was a great place to get a sun tan and that he was looking forward to the free trip.

“I like the idea that it’s nice and warm,” he said. “I don’t think I’m up to another Ontario winter.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: CBC News/NASA and Amazon.com

NASA Scientist Loses Dunkin Donuts Gift Card Discount Privileges Over Flat Earth Society Membership Disclosure

~ FauxNews Today ~ Leave a comment

Flat Earth-FNTPASADENA, CA – The discovery on Wednesday that a leading NASA climate change researcher was a member of the Flat Earth Society led to calls for his resignation from several scientific boards on global warming. Then things took a turn for the worse when Dunkin Donuts revoked his gift card discount privileges.

“That really stung,” said Barney Grosskurth, who holds a doctorate in climate science and lectures at Caltech. “I could have lived with the loss of prestige, but to take away my ten-percent? That’s a sucker punch right in the wallet.”

Grosskurth said that the firestorm of controversy began after his name was discovered on the Flat Earth Society’s membership list when their database was hacked. Then someone reported it on the climate change denial hotline; 1-888-RAT-FINK.

He shrugged off what his accusers are now calling “environmental heresy” as a minor youthful indiscretion.

“I signed up years ago just for yucks when I was an undergrad, and went to a couple of meetings.” he said. “It was a good way to meet girls. Now I’m being labeled a denier, my Twitter account has been suspended and no one will return my e-mails.”

As Grosskurth was speaking with FauxNews Today, a middle-aged couple drove up in a diesel Humvee and slashed the tires on his Toyota Prius.  “Oops, I guess mom and dad heard about the membership thing too,” he said.

At press time, representatives for NASA, Dunkin Donuts and the Flat Earth Society were unavailable for comment. Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: The Guardian, Flat Earth Society, and NASA