Scientists Find Some Of Universe’s Missing Matter Behind A Filing Cabinet

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Planck Telescope-FNT-Small.pngPARIS –Seventy-nine kilos of matter have been found behind a filing cabinet at the European Space Agency. A team comprised of Scientists from sixteen universities have now agreed that it must be the missing matter from the universe that they had been formerly unable to find.

Astrophysicists have confirmed that the material is definitely normal matter not the more scarce dark matter, and early tests show it has the same general makeup as a truckload of the stuff that disappeared several years ago from a parking lot in suburban Philadelphia. It had apparently been left over from the Big Bang and misplaced when the cleaning crew went home early to watch the Super Bowl.

“We initially thought it was lost somewhere in the gas filaments between two galaxies,” said one of the team members who asked that his name be kept confidential until they could determine for certain if it was the matter that went missing 13 billion years ago or if it was another lot that had been misplaced a billion years earlier.”

One of the cosmologists let slip that the only reason that they discovered the mysterious missing matter was because a keener lab assistant had moved the filing cabinet out to vacuum behind it. He said that they definitely lucked out with the find because protons and neutrons are usually much more difficult to locate because they are invisible. Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: CBC News, European Space Agency,

Rounding Error Discovered In Canada’s Federal Budget Shuts Down Government

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Trudeau-Morneau-budget-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – The workings of Canada’s federal government came to a grinding halt on Thursday when a team of forensic chartered accountants reported a suspected rounding error in the 2017 budget document. The revelation threw the treasury board clerical staff into a tizzy and sent economists across the country scrambling for their calculators to project the potential damage to the Canadian economy.

“We’re definitely in non compos mentis mode here,” said a treasury board insider who declined to give his name as he said he feared he would be targeted for retribution if they knew he had finked. “The government has stopped issuing checks and payments until we know for certain if Canada actually has any money.”

The S&P/TSX Composite index immediately swooned by three-hundred points when the news of the bumbled budget broke, and the Canadian dollar also took another tumble, bottoming out at .7760036521 cents American.

The word of the government’s latest crisis of confidence spread like a wildfire, on social media. Within minutes after the story aired on CBC, a group of federal employees paraded around the Centennial Flame on Parliament Hill carrying picket signs and chanting: “We’re mad as Hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.” One of the worker’s signs read: “First it was Phoenix, now this!  Get it together Justin!”

A government tiger team of seventy-three specially-trained economists, chartered accountants and baristas worked through the night to track down the errant decimal point and analyze the damage. They were forced to do their calculations with abacuses by candlelight and brew coffee on Coleman stoves as Hydro Ottawa had switched off the power for non-payment and refused to turn it on unless the bill was settled in cash.

At three o’clock on Friday morning one of the accountants shook his beads in the air and called for calm. He said that his group had found the pesky rounding error and Canada wouldn’t have to declare bankruptcy after all. “We’re still golden,” he said. “The original budget was only off by eighteen dollars and sixty-one cents.”

“Thank God for that,” another one said. “Because we’ve all been on overtime for the last eleven hours.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: National Post,