NAFTA Talks Abruptly Stalled Over Health Care Coverage For Zombie Illegals

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Illegal Zombies-FNT-SmallOTTAWA – Round eleven of the NAFTA renegotiation talks screeched to a halt today as representatives from all three countries disagreed to agree on a critical issue: health care coverage for Zombies that crossed over international borders in either direction.

There have been a number of stumbling blocks to renewing the North American Free Trade Agreement between Canada, the United States and Mexico. This one however threatens to shunt it off the rails permanently. All three countries agree that top-notch health care for everyone is a shared goal. They just disagree on how to go about it for Zombies who are in their countries without proper documentation.

“They may have a pre-existing condition,” said David Anderson, the Canadian negotiator who arrived in Ottawa from Summerside P.E.I. six months ago for the NAFTA talks. “But in this country we are committed to universal health care. We can’t deny them insurance just because they came here illegally.”

Miguel Perez, the representative from Mexico, agreed that all Zombies deserved to have access to the best medical care, whatever country they were in, but had grave reservations about the costs.

“If a Zombie sneaks down from Montreal and slips across the border to Tijuana, who will pay for it if he winds up needing an emergency liver transplant?” he asked. “We won’t turn them away from the hospital, but we reserve the right to send the bill to Canada!”

The negotiator from the United States, Roy Ernheart, said that Washington’s priorities were “firm” and that its position on Zombie health care coverage hadn’t changed. “It’s an individual responsibility,” he stated emphatically. “We’ve got the Affordable Care Act, but it doesn’t cover everyone and right now it’s up in the air. So even if they tunnel into America, from either the north or the south, they need to buy medical insurance before they cross under the border.”

All three negotiators were quick to downplay any suggestion that their country might have a hidden Zombie anti-immigration agenda. Anderson, the Canadian, spoke on the record on behalf of the group.

“We welcome diversity,” he said.   Source: FNT Staff

 

Photo credit: Original images by Imgflip & Clipart Panda

Evidence Found that Bigfoot Family Lived Under B.C. Parliament Buildings

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B.C. Parliament Bldgs-FNT-SmallVICTORIA, B.C. – Signs of early non-human habitation found under the Parliament buildings this week appear to confirm the existence of the mythic creature Bigfoot, in British Columbia.

Workers installing electrical conduit in a little-used sub-sub-basement section under the B.C. legislature found strong indications that the area might have once been inhabited by a non-human species. This included coarse tufts of hair and several smudged footprints pressed into the clay sediment near the foundation.

Melanie Hodicka, a cultural anthropologist from Burnaby who works for the province, said her research team was brought in to investigate the evidence. Hodika, a Bigfoot researcher who earned her PhD in cryptozoology at the University of Wisconsin, was excited about the find.

“They just found some rocks in Labrador last week that show the earliest life on earth” she said, pointing to the taped-off area under the 120-year-old stone structure where technicians from the team were setting up equipment to excavate the site. “But what’s the big deal about finding some 3-billion-year-old graphite? This, this, kind of fieldwork, where we can study organisms with flesh and blood, is the real stuff of nature!”

Hodika said that findings like this are extremely rare because the elusive creatures tend to shy away from areas of dense human population. She said that the signs here pointed to the existence of not just one Bigfoot, but possibly an entire family of the mysterious species, that probably used the location as a winter home. She called the discovery “major cool”  and  “a breakthrough!”  The Parliament buildings were evacuated when the evidence was discovered for reasons of public safety.

Raymond Arbuckle, a Bigfoot researcher from the University of Calgary, challenged the evidence found under the Parliament buildings in Victoria, saying that they were “quite unlikely” because all previous sightings of the creature had been recorded in the B.C. interior. “How,” he asked, “did they get all the way over there to the island, from the mainland?”

“It’s possible,” Hodika said, “that they might have used the ferry.” Source: FNT Staff