Christmas Miracle: Journalists Shift Focus From British Royal Engagement for a Full Seven Minutes

Christmas Miracles-FNT-Small.pngCANADIAN PRESS – Cynical skeptics who dismiss miracles as bunk and superstition, especially at Christmas, had their illusions rudely shattered during the holiday, this past week. After more than a year of invasive spying, non-stop gushing, rampant idle speculation and general mindless prattle focused on prosaic minutiae involving the day to day lives of just two youthful members of the 7.5 billion people on Earth, the media suddenly turned their attention to something else for a full seven minutes.

“It was a bona fide miracle!” exclaimed Todd Rolephson, a certified egg and turnip candler from London who has also worked as a part-time chauffeur for certain members of high-placed British families when they wanted a discreet pub crawl. “I never saw the like of it before.”

James Flinders, a toenail burnisher from Liverpool, who was hanging out with Rolephson agreed with his mate that the media’s sudden absence of obsessive preoccupation with the lives of these two young people “…was definitely in the realm of miracles.”

“It eases my mind to know that journalists are capable of turning their attentions to something of substance and that is actually of importance to the world, every once in a while,” he said.

It seems unseemly to look for causes when one is talking miracles, but as the media can never accept anything at face value without deconstructing it to look for nefarious purpose, this year’s Christmas miracle should not be exempt from close examination.

Thus the question: why did journalists suddenly abandon their posts for seven full minutes and shirk their self-professed duties that involve spending inordinate amounts of time gathering and then breathlessly conveying obscure, trivial details about the lives of these two people? Inquiring minds want to know.

Because when someone is as youthful, attractive and well-connected as these two are, prying into the tiniest aspects of their lives 24/7 is compulsory for media.

“It’s titillating stuff for people with small minds, short attention spans and a lot of free time on their hands,” said Broderick Kellerman, a photocopy-paper collator from Somerset. “And that group makes up a huge audience, so I can’t understand why the journalists would suddenly lose interest.”

James Flinders said he believed that he had the answer.

“They just took time out for a restroom break,” he explained. “Normally, five minutes would be enough. But it was the holiday, you know.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: RateMDs , Keep Calm And Posters

Canadian Newspaper Corporations Hold Annual Bake Sale to Boost Revenues

Cdn Newspapers-FNY.pngTORONTO– Struggling to stay afloat in a sea of red ink, Canadian newspaper conglomerates have banded together again for their second annual fall bake sale to boost last-quarter revenues to where they might again stave off insolvency. The sale will take place at the Rogers Centre, beginning on Saturday.

Embarrassed as they are at their dire collective circumstances, no single spokesperson would go on record to talk about the event, however an industry source who asked to remain anonymous stepped forward to speak for the group.

“We’ve run the numbers on this,” he said, “and we’re optimistic that this sale may be just the ticket to break the jinx of bad luck we’ve had since the Internet came and spoiled everything for us.” He waved a hand at the plates of brownies, butter tarts and shortbread. “In the past we’ve always been able to cut fat in a bad year. Now we’re going to sell it.”

This latest brainchild to drive revenues comes on the heels of the deal struck by Canada’s two largest newspaper companies to swap more than 40 regional newspapers that previously competed against each other for advertising revenue. Wags are calling the creative business decision: “Newswapopoly”.

The giant bake sale is also seen as a means of near-last resort after the federal government has refused to consider additional subsidies for the struggling industry, which has seen declining advertising revenues for years running.

“We’re not about to throw good money after bad,” said a spokesperson for the government who refused to give his name, as he admitted that he had left work early.

Corporate owners however are sanguine that the home-made sweets extravaganza will save their bacon again this year. It appeared to be doing a brisk business as journalists, editors and interns who had been laid off in the newspaper swap took turns plying their retail skills at the goodies tables.

“We’re already ahead of last year’s numbers,” said a former sports reporter as he rang up a plate of coconut cookies at the register. “If this keeps up, they’ll make enough to cover the executive year-end bonuses.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: The Globe and Mail , Food Network , Pinterest