CSIS Officer Leaves Secret Decoder Ring on Sink While Moonlighting Part-time at Tim Hortons

Tim Hortons-CSIS-FNT-Small.pngOTTAWA – Canada’s security intelligence establishment was unwillingly drawn into the public spotlight again on Thursday when a CSIS surveillance officer accidentally left his secret decoder ring on a sink at an Ottawa Tim Hortons restaurant. The potentially serious security breach took place while the officer was moonlighting at the restaurant part-time.

“Well, I’m sorry for the mistake and everything, but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone,” said Timothy ________, (not his real name). “I had to take the Tim Hortons gig because I needed to make my car payment.”  He explained that he hadn’t received any pay from his spy agency job in more than six months because of the federal government’s failed pay system, Phoenix.

This current embarrassment for CSIS comes on the heels of a food scandal at its Ottawa headquarters where an employee threatened to: “…raise the issue with Amnesty International.”

The CSIS secret decoder ring is a highly classified piece of kit; a James Bond-type device that is issued to all CSIS field employees after they qualify to be field employees. It comes with a detailed set of written instructions that self-destruct after they are read, however if an operative forgets how to use it they are available on the Internet.

Officer ________ agreed to go public with his story as a caution to other CSIS colleagues who might find themselves in similar circumstances, because of part-time employment. He said that he doesn’t think that his slip of CSIS protocol at Tim Hortons would cause any harm because the “ring was only off my finger for a couple of minutes while I washed my hands —the food service industry has very strict rules, you know.”

A spokesperson at CSIS headquarters who would not give his name declined to comment for this article on the grounds that whatever he said would compromise national security. Source: FNT Staff


Photo credit: Original images by: Mobilesyrup /Tim Hortons, Toronto Star,

Canada Commissions Banksy to Paint Graffiti Mural on Parliament Hill

Parliament Hill-FNT-SmallOTTAWA – The Canadian government has commissioned the reclusive British urban graffiti artist Banksy to create an original work to be permanently displayed as a giant mural on Parliament Hill in Ottawa. The move comes as part of a federal campaign to appeal to a young, more cynical citizenry by presenting government as “hip”, “with it” and fully in touch with popular culture.

The $2.1 million dollar contract for the unusual commission, which features an image of Banksy’s signature rat, did not go through the normal government procurement process.

“We back-channeled it directly with the artist,” a government staffer explained. He did not want his name used but spoke of the exclusive cultural coup to FauxNews Today off the record, as a point of pride. “Not an easy person to get to, let me tell you.”

Banksy is world-famous almost as much for his closely-guarded anonymity as for his satirical creative output. Details of the contract were leaked to the media however and the commission has stirred a tripartite controversy.

The official opposition in the House of Parliament has denounced the secrecy behind the unorthodox purchase and is clamouring for an investigation as to why it was not tendered on MERX for public competition. The Canada Council for the Arts has decried it for lack of Canadian content. And a house painter from Saskatchewan named Alistair Yanovski complained about the cost.

“I could have done it for five-hundred bucks and a round trip airline ticket from Saskatoon,” he said. “And if they were going to use a rodent as a symbol, it should have been a Canadian beaver.”

The controversial mural does have its supporters however. A woman waiting for a bus on Wellington Street who said her name was Sarah, compared the newly commissioned Banksy installation, to his “Stonehenge“, which was constructed from portable toilets.

“At least,” she said, pointing at the Parliament Hill mural, which is eighty feet long and forty feet high, “This one is in good taste.” Source: FNT Staff


Photo credit: Original images by: ITAC, Fitzrovia News/Banksy