Ottawa Bans Asteroid From Entering Earth’s Atmosphere in Canadian Airspace

Asteroid-FNT-01-smallOTTAWA – The federal government responded instantly today to rising public concerns that possibly a rogue asteroid would pass dangerously close to Earth on Thursday. It snapped into action and banned the space rock from entering the atmosphere in Canadian airspace.

“So Canadians can rest easy in their beds tonight,” said James Warrington, a spokesperson for the aerospace sector of Canada’s ministry of public safety. “The thing was definitely a potential hazard but it can’t come anywhere near us now because it will be against the law.”

He was referring to Asteroid 2012 TC4, a hunk of space debris with a diameter the length of a railway locomotive. A number of experts had advised that the asteroid would pass the planet inside the moon’s orbit, but would miss Earth by 50,000 kilometres. The government, however, was taking no chances.

“I mean, 50,000 kilometres is just a tiny drop in the big bucket that is space,” said Warrington. “That’s much too close for comfort. Remember what happened to the dinosaurs. And MPs had phone calls and e-mails from nervous constituents all across the country who were worried about a collision. So the legislature met in an emergency session and the government took the necessary action on behalf of all Canadians.”

Prior to Thursday’s ban, there were no federal regulations that prevented asteroids from crashing to Earth on Canadian soil. Warrington called the legislative sanction “unprecedented” and “a major Canadian step in planetary defence and public safety.”

He offered no assurances however when asked about how the wayward space rock might affect Canada’s close neighbor, the United States.

“Well, they’re our good friends and all, but Canada can’t lose any sleep over what might happen in another country,” he said. “If they think there’s any danger, they can pass their own law banning it there.” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: CBC / NASA/JPL-Caltech,

OACD Study Shows That Squirrels Are Better At Math Than Porcupines

Mathematics-FNT-SmallOTTAWA – An international study that covered 58 countries and economies found that squirrels edged out porcupines when it comes to tested skills in mathematics. The results of the findings of the latest assessment by the Organization for Animal Co-operation and Development (OACD) were released on Tuesday. The OACD assessment takes place every four years.

More than a quarter-million squirrels and the same number of porcupines were tested on their skills and knowledge in mathematics. About thirty-two-thousand of these were Canadian squirrels and porcupines, in about equal numbers, from nine provinces and two of the three territories. Rodents from Alberta and Yukon Territory did not take part in the testing. Officials said that the animals there were sound asleep and missed the tests when they were administered.

The scores were then assessed in each OACD country and pooled together as a baseline average for the study. The results showed that squirrels in all 58 countries scored consistently higher than porcupines in mathematics, by an average of 3 percentage points.

Canadian squirrels and porcupines however scored noticeably low on the overall list of countries’ results, coming in sixteenth in the rankings. Their test scores in math were slightly above the average, but were disappointing compared to their front-running counterparts in China and Bulgaria, who came in first and second respectively.

“We were shocked and appalled to see such a noticeable decline in these key abilities among Canada’s most intelligent rodents” said Jasper Cunningham, an official from the federal Ministry of Animal Education in Ottawa. “The government will be taking action to correct this alarming disparity.”

No distinction was made for gender in the tests, a factor which the organizers argued over vehemently. Cunningham was vague as to the reasons for the gender-neutral tests saying that scoring them that way: “…would really have set the cat among the pigeons!”

He was definitive however when asked if the OACD could account for why squirrels scored consistently higher than porcupines on the tests.

“I’m sure it has to do with nuts,” he said. “Math is a fundamental skill when it comes to storing food for the winter.”   Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at Mental Floss, FantasyStock, and Times Higher Education