Report: Results of G7 Study on Politicians Being Made Illegal – “Might Work Well”

Cartoon-truth vs Lies-FNT-SmallOXFORD – Following an announcement that the country of Cambodia has made outlaws out of politicians, the G7 countries immediately commissioned a study into the effects of making all politicians illegal, everywhere. The report, just released, summarized the findings of the study in the précis as: ‘Might indeed work well. Couldn’t possibly make the world any worse off than it is now.”

The study was conducted by a team in the faculty of political science at Oxford University. Professor Arkady Chagossian Ph.D. explained to FauxNews Today how he and his researchers obtained what he called “entirely predictable results” based on running sophisticated computer models of societies that functioned sans politicians at any level.Poli-Sci-Small

“We verified in our computer simulations,” he said, “that people would rather be told things that made them feel comfortable, even if they were lies, rather than face truths that gave them a downer.”

The professor went on to explain that his team was able to simulate extremely stable societal conditions that worked wonderfully well entirely without politicians, by setting up public kiosks with minimum wage staffs that dispensed the same formulaic promises, distortion, obfuscation and  prevarication that people would get by subscribing to a political campaign of any partisan stripe.Springer-ZME Science-Small

“People seem to have a need to be lied to as long as it makes them feel better,” he said. “So all we did was replace one form of it with another. They were even willing to line up and take a number.”

“And the financial benefits alone were astronomical,” he further explained. “The savings for the cost of elections alone ran into the billions.”

The positive results of the computer modeling aside however, Professor Chagossian was not at all optimistic that the team’s lab results could ever be adapted in the real world to become a functional model for societies.

“It would only work if it were actually possible to stop politicians running for public office, and that’s a stretch,” he said. “Because, unfortunately, it’s in the genes.”   Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Armstrong Economics, The Sydney Morning Herald , Linkedin / Sam Instone , University of Wisconsin-Madison Libraries , ZME Science / Springer

Report: Political Ideas Labelled New Found to be Factory Seconds and Scratch and Dent Items

Factory Seconds-FNT-small.pngOTTAWA – A report from the political science department at the University of Ottawa has shed light on why the current spate of political ideas and practices seem dilapidated, shabby, flawed and they fail prematurely. The U of O study found that a great many ideas that were being touted as fresh, original and ground-breaking were all either factory seconds or scratch and dent items that had been polished up a bit and sold as brand-new in the box.

“Certainly goes a long way to explaining the current state of affairs in governments here at all levels,” said Professor Jason Pfisterman, who headed up the research project. He was reluctant to name names however, muttering something under his breath about “jeopardising his funding.”

The revealing report stirred up criticism among some citizens however. Arnold Wonburn, a latte taster from Aurora Ontario, was incensed at the discovery. “I didn’t vote or anything,” he said, “but I feel ripped off by my government representative, whoever he or she is.”

The federal government responded to the controversy by setting up a toll-free hot line in Ottawa for people from across the country to call in and leave their concerns on voice mail, after listening to an apology on a pre-recorded message.

Several media outlets have called the revelation “shocking” and “potentially criminal, in light of the fact that factory-second ideas have no consumer warranty.”

The phenomenon also appears to be more widespread than originally thought.

“You understand that this particular report only speaks for the Canadian political scene,” said Professor Pfisterman. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if these results proved the same for politics the world over.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Nambucca Valley, : Simplysfdc, University of Ottawa, Northumbria Students Union,