Tag: Toronto

Ontario’s New Green Energy Plan: Move Cities Closer Together To Reduce Commuting Distances

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Ontario-FNT-smallTORONTO – The Ontario government has announced a radical new plan to save energy and reduce the carbon footprint for the province. Beginning in January 2018, select Ontario cities will be moved significantly closer to each other to reduce the commuting distances and commute times between them.

Several cities have been identified to be part of the GE Plan pilot project. These include Toronto and Hamilton, Sudbury and North Bay and Kenora and Thunder Bay, which are all strong candidates to be squeezed closer together to reap the many benefits projected by the government planners.

Queen’s Park held a media briefing to announce the ambitious new plan. The atmosphere was electric with excitement as journalists were encouraged to mingle shoulder to shoulder with government insiders around a tabletop model that had been set up to explain the concept.

The model showed that the GE Plan would achieve the most dramatic results by moving Kenora and Thunder Bay toward each other by several hundred kilometres along the Trans-Canada Highway. One of the architects had shown as a “win-win-win” side-note that this would have the added advantage of including the township of Ignace, which would be captured within the new footprint of the two cities.

A skeptic who publicly pointed out that moving Thunder Bay would also necessitate dredging out an inland basin of several million hectares to extend Lake Superior was first pooh-poohed and then ostracized by his fellow bureaucrats. He was then forcefully separated from the glass of chardonnay and cheese canapé that he was holding and quickly hustled out the door into the street.

The divertissement temporarily clouded the spirit of the event, however after the cynic was ejected the buoyant atmosphere was restored. Diligent reporters were able to catch snippets of self-congratulatory conversation by the remaining officials who spoke among themselves in unguarded moments.  “Absolutely brilliant!, “It will save Ontario millions, even billions!” and “It’s the greenest plan yet!” Source: FNT Staff

Photo credit: Original images at: World Atlas,

City Of Toronto Certifies Canada’s First Completely Gluten-free Neighbourhood

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Toronto-FNT-SmallTORONTO– Canada’s largest metropolis has scored another major “first“ for the country, with a trailblazing model-community initiative. The city’s Fads, Trends and Groupthink Department has certified a twenty-block-square district of Old Toronto as the nation’s first entirely gluten-free neighbourhood.

“We can now start to call ourselves world-class again,” said Seth Burnside, Toronto’s Director of Municipal Fads at a media conference he had called to announce the success of the project. “I mean we were seriously losing ground when it came to biggest, best and first. But this puts us back on the map!”

Burnside was referring to the city losing its tallest free-standing structure status a decade ago as well as its Guinness Book of World Records longest street in the world designation.

Phase one of the gluten-free neighbourhood calls for shutting down all restaurants and grocery stores within the area, that serve or stock gluten products. When asked about the Twitter promotional hashtag for the project (#zerotoleranceforgluten), a spokesperson for the mayor’s office, Janice Stenowski, adamantly rejected the suggestion that an all-out gluten ban for residents might be next.

“Trust me,” she said. “The legislators would never do that sort of thing!” She then ducked out to “find a place, any place”, to legally have a quick cigarette.

Stenowski, also strongly denied that the initiative had been conceived “in self-centred desperation” to counter the growing anti-Toronto movement, as had been claimed by some critics. “Its not snobbish or elitist,” she said. “There’s no shame in a city considering itself more cosmopolitan, urbane and sophisticated than anywhere else in the country, when its true.”

Finally, she pooh-poohed the idea that Toronto was discriminating against people who ate biscuits and scones and Wonder Bread made with regular flour. “People who liked such things” she said, with a perceptible shudder that appeared to be revulsion, “were welcome to consume any amount they wished, just not in this neighbourhood.”

The city’s Economic Development Department and the Toronto Real Estate Board have praised the initiative; issuing a joint media release that invites all “A-listers, one-percenters and other beautiful people” to “consider making Toronto your new gluten-free home.” Studies show that gluten sensitivity seems highly prevalent among people with large disposable incomes, an elevated sense of self-importance and a lot of free time on their hands.

Ultimately, the plans call for Toronto’s new trend-setting, gluten-free community to be gated behind an eight-foot high metal fence, but in the meantime the area will be initially cordoned off with Day-Glo® orange tape to identify and mark the borders.

“It’s just a stopgap because we’ve got to get the project launched right away,” said Burnside. “We’re still looking for someone to pay for the fence.” Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: Condo.ca  and Coconut Bliss