OTTAWA – A study of bacon-eating Canadians conducted earlier this year and funded by Health Canada has turned up shocking results. Among the group surveyed aged 19 to 26 years, 67 percent admitted to getting behind the wheel of a vehicle within four hours of scarfing down a plateful. If eggs were also involved, the percentage of bacon-impaired drivers rose alarmingly to 71 percent. The addition of a stewed tomato ratcheted the statistic up to a staggering 74 percent.
Older Canadians were apparently more cautious. In the age group from 40 to 55 years, the percentage who admitted to driving after eating bacon dropped to 26 percent and the variation in this demographic was negligible if a side dish was added.
This huge disparity in percentage between the post-brunch practices of younger and older test subjects was possibly explained when one confessed “lifelong bacon-eater”, age seventy-six, told the research team that he always liked to take a nap to “sleep off” a “real pig-out” and: “…didn’t really feel like taking the car out right away.”
So, on average, only 39% of bacon eaters admitted to driving after the consumption of bacon, an item on a bill of fare or refrigerator meat drawer that one health professional has called: “a lethal weapon in the hand of any chef.”
But this was enough for a firestorm to erupt within the earnest busybody circles of the electorate, who are happiest when conspiring to restrict the freedoms of others. (Brain imaging has shown their pleasure points blipping the screen like UFOs, when contemplating ruining someone else’s pleasure.)
Statscan has determined that, as of early 2017, the consumption of bacon in Canada is on the rise and is now reaching a dangerous level. This most current survey contained 63 questions regarding bacon-eating and driving, including whether Canadians would object to being subjected to the indignity of roadside saliva testing if an officer suspected that bacon had been consumed in the previous 24 hour period.
Predictably, this question was answered with a “no objection”, 98 percent of the time.
A panel of nutritionists, health experts and representatives from Canada’s poultry industry has recommended that Canadians stop eating bacon altogether. However it conceded that if people MUST have their bacon, they should wait at least three days before driving after consumption. It also recommended no swimming after eating.
The results of this most recent study has also raised serious concerns and triggered feverish discussions within government circles. Someone discovered that there is currently no federal or provincial legislation in place that protects Canadians from the threat of bacon-impaired drivers. Can an anti-bacon task force be far behind? Source: FNT Staff