NASA Sending Giant Darning Needle Into Space to Patch Hole In Earth’s Ozone Layer

NASA-Earth-FNT-SmallHOUSTON – In a move on Friday that was both praised and pilloried, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced that it will be sending a giant darning needle into space to patch the hole in Earth’s ozone layer. NASA said that it was taking action now because the ozone hole has shrunk to its smallest size in almost thirty years.

“We’ve been aware of that unsightly hole for years, of course,” said David Gemison, NASA’s Chief Space Needle Engineer from his satellite office in Seattle. “But now it’s finally shriveled down to a manageable size that we can mend, and still stay within our annual budget.”

The news rendered the National Darning Needle Association agog with delight. Within hours of the NASA announcement, the NDNA issued a media release commending the space agency on what it called a “pioneering initiative that opens many doors into the future for our industry.”

“Hardly anyone darns and mends with needles anymore,” said Mary Thornstein, an NDNA spokesperson. “So we sent NASA a proof of concept for the mission and I guess the timing was just right. This gives our industry a terrific shot in the arm. It’s wonderful!”

The unusual NASA project was not without criticism however. The World Velcro Guild (WVG) called it a “pathetic old fashioned approach” and a WVG spokesperson sniffed that it was “shamefully late”.

“That embarrassing abyss over the pole could have been covered up years ago if they had opted for a patch with hooks and loops,” said Raul Emerson, the WGV’s Chief Fastening Officer. “But the cheapskates didn’t want to spend the money.”

NASA’s Gemison acknowledged that budget considerations had played a part in the delay to cover the hole, but also said that for such critical work in space they had “wanted to stay with the tried and true.” He also claimed that one of the reasons that NASA went with the giant needle mission was that the NDNA’s research and development program with large needles was “just spectacular.”

“Now we’re working with them on another innovative new procedure for mending black holes,” he said. Source: FNT Staff


Photo credit: Original images by: CTV News/NASA and Berroco



NASA Scientist Loses Dunkin Donuts Gift Card Discount Privileges Over Flat Earth Society Membership Disclosure

Flat Earth-FNTPASADENA, CA – The discovery on Wednesday that a leading NASA climate change researcher was a member of the Flat Earth Society led to calls for his resignation from several scientific boards on global warming. Then things took a turn for the worse when Dunkin Donuts revoked his gift card discount privileges.

“That really stung,” said Barney Grosskurth, who holds a doctorate in climate science and lectures at Caltech. “I could have lived with the loss of prestige, but to take away my ten-percent? That’s a sucker punch right in the wallet.”

Grosskurth said that the firestorm of controversy began after his name was discovered on the Flat Earth Society’s membership list when their database was hacked. Then someone reported it on the climate change denial hotline; 1-888-RAT-FINK.

He shrugged off what his accusers are now calling “environmental heresy” as a minor youthful indiscretion.

“I signed up years ago just for yucks when I was an undergrad, and went to a couple of meetings.” he said. “It was a good way to meet girls. Now I’m being labeled a denier, my Twitter account has been suspended and no one will return my e-mails.”

As Grosskurth was speaking with FauxNews Today, a middle-aged couple drove up in a diesel Humvee and slashed the tires on his Toyota Prius.  “Oops, I guess mom and dad heard about the membership thing too,” he said.

At press time, representatives for NASA, Dunkin Donuts and the Flat Earth Society were unavailable for comment. Source: FNT Staff  

Photo credit: Original images at: The Guardian, Flat Earth Society, and NASA